1st SONG POST!!

Do you ever have those moments where you reconnect with someone. Like a sibling or an old friend. someone who at one point you were very close with and times just took you in different paths. yet you have the opportunity to reconnect. only this time that reconnection isn't a good one. the person isn't who they used to be. in fact they are much much worse than who they were or who you remember them being. or is there that friend that ALWAYS coming to you with difficult life stuff and you're just tired and weary from listening. you are the one they can always count on, but it's just to much. either the news is to heavy or you feel like you've carried to much of there burden in the past to listen to more. and you basically just want a break. life hasn't been kind to them or they've made big mistakes. your heart hurts for them. alot. you want to be supportive and be the listening ear but you just can't. it's to painful. well i wrote a song about it. about wanting things to be the way they were. wanting all those things you dreamed about together as kids to have come true and then realizing . . . they aren't. . . it's the first set of lyics i'm releasing to the public!! i hope in resonates with you guys!!


You’re not the same

Please, don’t tell me your story
I just can’t hear what happened
I know that you’re only human
But so am I

I knew you before
I knew a different person
I’m not saying I don’t love you anymore
But some things have definitely changed


Life takes us different ways
People rarely stay the same
Change isn’t always good
People never stay the same

Come sit down and talk to me
Lets remember times gone by
No really I can’t hear it
Please don’t try

I’m sorry I can’t be there for you
I’m sorry I can’t listen
I really wish I could help you
But it hurts me to bad

I will sit with you
Just sit with me
I will hold on tight
Please hold on tight

Just know I love you
Even though I won’t listen
Remember I love you

when will i get my miracle?

So. . . i'm up. watching FRIENDS (per-usual) facebook chatting, thinking about a girl, and journalling to myself. . . and now apparently writing to you, all my faithful followers. i decided a few days ago, that i should just write . . . alot this fall. i mean. . . ihave nothing to lose. i think i want like an 11 track record, but i think i'm going to write like 30 poems/songs/etc for this CD. just word vomit sometimes, rant and rave, and pray and record those thoughts. i realize that great ideas for lyrics come and go, but every once in a while i flash of brillance over takes me LoL and i usually am no where near a pen and paper and if i am (say in class) i'll jot it down quickly and lose it inevitably. sometimes i'll send myself text messages then forget about them and delete them. i wonder. . . so often artist are the most unorganzied people, how many works of greatest have jsut been lost in the hustle and disarray of our scattered lives? so tonight i'm up just chilling, trying to remember those feels i had earlier this year and recapture some of those moments. . . triumph and darkness. . . wish me luck. . .

Fall.Hugs&Coffee

So it finally begins. The 1st live studio album of . . . well me. . . It starts now, well i suppose it's been a work in progress but the wheels have started turning again, my lyrical writes block has passed and i'm back on track to getting an album out. . . finally...granted it's going to be at least one year in the works, but progress is in fact being made. I feel as though i've gone through so much since my last post in august. so much that i've thought about, and so much that i've written about. So much that needs to be processed through my passion for music and it's something that i most definitely want to share with you. my friends and family. It's going to be epic but in a subtle way. Small production yet giant messages about what it is i've been experiencing and learning. It's going to be largely acoustic because the focus is on the message the music is simply the vessel that is going to be bringing these messages to you. I'm excited, scared to share some of what it is i'll be sharing. but feeling as though i want to share my life experience with others and know that this pain i've come through is largely pointless if i keep it to myself. So. . . it starts now. this is the first official public statement (by public i do in fact mean the 3 of you that read this LOL) but it's a start. So please encourage me in this process. i've started recording projects on several previous occassions and i've even recorded several tiems before. but i feel as though i've come to a place in my life and a place in my voice and my depth that it makes sense to do this. to RECORD and save for eternity what it is i'm experiencing. Sometiems good ideas are great ideas but "now" isnt' when it's time to share those ideas. I've always loved singing but that doesn't mean i've sung well enough to record songs. you have to be able to vocal get a message across as well as artistically. i will always have growth but i feel now is a perfect time to start. The album title is simply yet original. Fall.hugs&coffee for various reasons i'll explain later. but i hope to update those of you who care and are interested when updates permit themselves. maybe some lyrics here and there. maybe some demo's. .. . we'll see how it plays out put i thank you for partaking of this journey with me. it's going to be awesome!

LOVE: the greatest for lettered word

Loving people is the greatest things we can achieve as humans, after loving God. It is the way that we can most imitate God, because God is Love. He loves humanity unconditionally and irrevocably. Thus, if we can find it in our hearts to love humans we have achieve the second greatest calling as humans.
I am beginning to realize in my own life what it means to love other humans, and how that love manifests itself in me. It's incredible what kind of opportunities present themselves when we go out of our way and let someone have a piece of our heart without condition. so often in our society we are taught to protect our heart. I'm not speaking in terms of romantic love either (darn english language) i'm speaking in unconditional, non romantic love for another human. a self-sacrificing love. one that is stronger than emotions and goes deeper than feelings. It is a love of action. a love of sacrifice. Sure you will feel, but this is a fruit sown from the love, not the love itself. but when we can manage as humans to find a way to allow other humans control of our love, amazing things can start to happen. Walls surrounding the hearts of other people will start to be broken down. Defenses will be lowerd, and lives can truely start to be effected. You can share encouraging words and they won't fall on deaf ears. It's very difficult to not love someone who loves you unconditionally as christ did. isn't that why christianity is so different. our God loves us and sacrificed everything important so that we would know his love for us and be able to commune with him.
as i get older (though i'm still very young and have much to learn) i am learning what it means for me to love. i am learning how that looks. . . and it hurts. . . .a lot. . . when you love people recklessly, they have the ability to hurt you, and damage you. and oftentimes, they will. and because your love is unconditional you can't help but continue to love them. that's when you know the depth of your love. when they stop treating you well and instead treat you poorly and you still only love them more. it's realizing that they dont love you nearly as much as you love them, yet that doesnt change the amount of love you have for them. Its continuing to be invovled in there life even though the seemingly have no desire to be invovled in yours. its staying up at night praying for them, and pleading on there behalf before God when they only see you as a nucance. . . that is unconditional love. its having your heart stripped raw, and then beaten and bruised to the point of exhaustion and destruction and still, getting up, picking up the peices and continuing to pursue after them with a passionate desire to show them your love.
we are called to love as christ has loved, and he never gives up on people, he never stops pursing people, he never stops telling people he loves them. he forgives those who beat him. he loves those who persecute him. that's not something my culture teaches me to do. . . at all. my culture tells me the opposite. . . society says to leave those people in the dust, because you don't need them. but my God has a very different message.
he says to wait right behind them and when they fall to pick them up, and when they hit you, you continue to stand behind them and when they cry out for help you will still be there.
that is the kind of love that i want to exhibt. the kind that i want to showcase to the world because its the love God has called me to hvae for people.
yes it hurts. because people don't always stay in your life forever, but i will stay up everynight and pray for those that stay forever in my mind. God give me strength

unaswered crying

Here are the thoughts and feelings of gay High School boy. The boy jason is another gay boy who is his boyfriend. both christian/catholics struggling with how they are to deal with their religion and there homosexuality.
Put you defenses down, and just listen to this young boys prayer to God, and his pleas to humanity. don't try to defend God cause he doesn't need your help, just listen, learn and be challegened and ask God at the end what he says, what he speaks to you about this. we can't keep ignoring it. as christians i feel we are called to a higher standard than this.

Everything's an act when your pleasing everyone, and he assumes that role to such renown. he plays the perfect part, straight from his heart, knowing the risk he takes and hoping that the house is not brought down
the role of a lifetime is living a fantasy, a drama that you struggle to erase, thoughts battle words over deeds a war with such causalities, are played out behind a smiling face
God i need your guidance, tell me what it means, to live a life where nothings as it seems. spending days in silent fear, and spending nights in lonely prayer, hoping that one day when you wake those feelings wont be there.
so confused because i'm complete with him, when were alone it all somehow makes sense, look into his eyes for some compromise, remember the word forget, and try to bury something so intense
you learn to play the straight your lines become routine, never really saying what you mean, but i know this scene will change white picket fences and a dog, a trohpy bride and children, God i know that's what he wants. But jason what role do i play, am i savior or a phase am i here to damn you or to help you navigate this maze.
where confusion is a crime, so you fill your life with sound and if you dance like hell you hope you'll never touch the ground. what happens when the music stops, in this silence will he stay!? one day you'll realize that these feelings aren't going away. so we drive ourselves insane, spinning circles in our souls, as we dance around and play pretend. and once again reprise our roles. . .

what answers does the church have for these people. what answers does the Bible offer. So many homosexual people struggle with there lives everyday because they would give anything to be different, but they just aren't. How do we cater to them as christian friends and family? telling them that if they really pray enough the feelings they were born with and hate will go away? why do we feed them that? why do we pretend to have easy answers to such an incredibly difficult thing. we tell them its a sin, and if they act on it, they are damned to hell. we tell them its the same disgusting thing as pedophilia, and murder. how can we do that. these young christian people dying for answers, begging God to be different, asking him why he created them that way if they are then damned to hell for acting on the feelings they can't change. They are damned to a life without romance, without being able to tell some people how much they love them. Not being able to be physically intimate. and we christians who don't struggle with it can never offer up a solution, and in my experience and through what i've seen, we rarely even offer up support. if there is one thing in the scripture i struggle with daily its homosexuality. why, why is it a sin? why is it "destructive" and what are homosexuals supposed to do. i know what the scriptures say, i've read them, i've been taught them, so please don't just quote scripture, unless of coures that's all the answer we have for them. The Bible says so. . .the end no explanation. everything else is common sense or explained. We need jesus' love b/c we are imperfect and he is perfect, murder ends beautiful life, pedophilia denies children of there right to innocence, free choice, and life. i feel like everything is explain, and then all that it says about homosexuality is don't do it for it is lawlessness. why God, then WHY did you create people who are homosexual? i'm having a very hard time in my life digesting this. and findout a better answer for these poor people. they deserve a better answer than the ones they've been given. i know God loves them. . . but why would he create them to have those feelings they pray everyday to have taken away, and then deny them eternal life when they act on them, just like every hetero sexual would. . .God? i need answers, please.

midnight conversation

i miss midnight conversation. a lot actually. just staying up with someone, and exchanging thoughts, dreams, aspirations, goals, desires, frustrations, and fears. i don't know why but midnight hours seem to bring those conversations more often than daylight does. maybe its because your tired. lol. i don't know. but i miss them, and i enjoy them so much. its like you know you should be sleeping, but you also know that no matter how hard it is to wake up or what you have the next day, every minute of that conversation was so worth it. it was worth it because you connected with another human being in a way that is beyond normal human connection. you've taken a friendship deeper, you've taken a romantic relationship and added the element of intimacy. you've realized, even if just for a moment, that the most important thing in the world is your relationship with the people you love the most, and the moments you share together. maybe these moments are more important to me because "quality time" is my love language, but whatever the case i miss them dearly. those conversations are filled with so much humor, awkwardness, story telling, and star gazing that you can't help but be moved and changed by them. you can't help but see the person you're talking to in a different way. maybe what makes them so amazing is that you shouldn't really be having them at 3 am, but you are just having such a good time you can't stop, you are just so interested in the person either as a friend or a romantic interest that you don't ever want the conversation to end. and when someone finally takes the responsible role and ends the conversation it brings with it grunting, under the breath comments, and reluctant hang ups or hugs goodbye.
so often those conversations reveal internal pain and suffering, as well as hidden secrets or talents. they are the moments filled with tears and laughter. they are the conversations where we drop our refined, put together, confidant personas and become human with our faults our fears, our failures as well as our quirks, and our inside jokies all coming to the for front. they are the moments where humans connect and build one another up, encourage one another in times of suffering. they are moments when people look back and laugh, or where secret ways of saying i love you originate. they are my favorite moments in this life, and i miss them. maybe its because i'm up so late so often by myself. . . ;)
next time you get a midnight moment, don't pass it up. whatever tomorrow holds, let it be in tomorrow and enjoy the midnight while its yours. to often, especially in american society, we rush and don't pause for those moments, we fail to savor them, we fail to appreciate them, HECK we fail to have them. but that's where its at. that's a little bit of what it means to LIVE and not just be ALIVE. live a little

more of god....

i just want to experience god. experience him on a deeper, more real, more honest, more tangible level every single day. i want to see him in a way that no one else has. i want to feel him, in a way that i remember so vividly being touched by him. i want to walk with him next to me, i want to come to a place in my faith where i hear him speaking to me, in a clear voice. i want my relationship with god to be one of intense, passionate intimacy unlike that which the world has ever seen. i want to be so consumed with him that he's a part of everyone of my waking moments. i want him to never be far from my thought, i want to be in a constant communication with the great, perfect, beautiful one that created me. I want him to fulfill me. i want to never again feel abandoned because he is always there, and i not only know that, but its so clear to me that feelings of abandonment can't find there way into my heart and soul. thats it. . . i want my soul to be intertwined with his. i want to sit with him. . . and talk with him. . . i want to bring him into every corner of my heart and let him cleanse me and make a home for himself. i love him, but i want more. i need more than just the love i have right now. i need to be so overwhelmed with love for him that i will stop at nothing to be apart of his existence. god is so good to me. . . he's so on top of my needs. he's go great, i just want more. more of his unconditional affection. . .
i want to go on a journey with jesus christ that is so profound not only am i forever changed and altered, but that change is so dramatic and profound that every person i encounter can't help but experience a piece of my transformation. I want to be so impacted by God that anyone who just looks at me instantly sees that my humaness has been replaced by something not of this world. something so foreign to them that they are forced to stop and wonder what it is. . .i want my eyes to mirrors Jesus'

'Dreaming wide awake'

Dreaming Wide Awake

v1
Dreaming, yet wide awake, falling but never landing
Gravity has no hold here, and reality is unaware of my existence
I’m alone in this moment so unsure and scared
I’m frightened for my life, please rescue me

v2
I’m overwhelmed, and challenged
I’ve fallen down and can’t find the strength to stand back up
I’ve failed to face this weakness, this proof of my humanness
And I’m ashamed to be seen by you as you hang there

v3
Sleep, please overtake me, give me rest from this burden
Give me the hope that tomorrow is a new day
Peace of God find me, peace consume me
This can’t be how this goes, Abba help

chorus
Hold me so close my heartbeat sings the harmony of yours
Tell me you will carry me through,
Let me know you won’t leave me,
Daddy, daddy, daddy, hold me tightly

bridge
Lovely scars of sacrifice
Love me, with all you have to give
Wonderful crimson blood bring life
Jesus, rescue this child

-a fellow daydreamer

gloria a dios

so this is my 3rd attempt at writing something tonight. the first two "takes" were a little personal even for me (:) i guess i'm not ready to be competely candid and opened (which isn't a bad thing at all) but i think that it caused me to think about the importance of having someone in your life who you can trust beyound a shadow of a doubt to be there and to love you through your faults and to love you through your shame, and to love you through you backslidding. i re-realized the importance of having someone who you can share anything with and at the end of your moment of disclosure you are still just as loved, just as protected, just as desirable, and just as wonderful to them. humans need that, humans need at least one other human with whom they can connect with on a level that is deeper than with anyone else. Someone who is many ways' knows them much better than they know even themselves. and i'm not leading into a romance, or a marriage, but of a relationship so deep, so profound that nothing short of death can sever that bond they share. and even in death a piece of the one on earth is taken up with the fallen angel and only returned to the remaining soul upon his own death. humans need a connection, on this earth that is so pure, so unmistakeable beautiful and as close to perfection as humans can achieve in this life. This bond is need so much that God created for Adam, Eve. whether this relationship is formed from two siblings, two best friends, or a man and a wife through a marriage, each human being needs to find this in his/her lifetime. for those that don't already have it, life is such a difficult foe to attack everyday, alone. it becomes nearly impossible to continue and to move forward in lifes storms when you have no one to carry you and to hold you up in your weakest moments. as i grow older i learn more and more about this and who that person is in my life, and how i can be that person to another human being. i learn the importance and necessity of have just one person who knows everything, one person with whom you can be completely raw, unedited, and real with. the one person who when you cry, they cry the same tears and when you laugh, their laugh is the perfect reflexion of your joy. its a beautiful thing, this type of friendship, one i hope each and everyone of you can enjoy, and one i thank god for developing in my even now. . .
-alabanza

midnight ponderings

So, it's nearly two in the morning, yet here i am, up typing, blogging, and writing. exhausted physically yet mental so stimulated sleep is not around the corner. The funny thing about this blog is that i never prepare these scripts. all my entries are unedited and raw, just me word vomiting on a computer screen, i feel the lack of structure and direction more so now than usual. tonight i'm up pondering many things, debating the course of action i am going to take on a number of issues. i'm up praising and fighting God about different things. i'm wide awake, dreaming about my tomorrow and what it holds for me. surprisingly for me, i'm not at all worried, more curious, and lost in and endless wonder. i think i've stopped worrying. maybe because God has provided to many times for me to still worry about trivial things. I dunno. sigh*. . . this human experience . . .it's so intricate and challenging. i wonder sometimes how many other of my fellow humans are up on a regular basis thinking about their lives and the people in them. Thinking about what there future holds, laying in shame, or joy because of decisions they've made. i wonder how many people use these moments in between the active day and dreamfilled sleep to sort through the mess in their minds and find a peace and clarity, find some direction. i know i'm not the only one, but i do wonder if i'm an overactive midnight ponderer. . . .i've lived an interesting, event filled life so far. i know i'm young but i've seen so much of the world, met so many different people, loved to the point of internal devestation. i hope i have a lot of life left in my time here on this earth. . . there are things i still want to do, people i want to love harder, places i want to see, memories that have to be made. . . is this perhaps what self discovery is. these late night ponderings where we catalog our lives events and try to make sense of all that we see, and hear and do? is this just a necessary part of growing up? how can one person be so consumed with so many thoughts. . . i don't even know where to start if i were to disclose all that's on my mind to one person right now. but i do know that once i did, i would go on for hrs sharing all the sturggles, turmoils, excitments, and emotions going through me at once. life is intersting to say the least. i wish i could pause for a moment and step outside of myself and observed what is going on around and within me. perhaps these midnight ponderings are as close to stepping outside of myself as i shall ever be privilegded to experience.
-the end

Well, it's this crazy thing called life.

as i grow older, i can't help but stop, take a breath, and look back over my short life and see how much life i've actually lived. it's amazing how some days it all seems so simple but then something happens and takes your breath away and you're are forced to stop, and start paying closer attention. for me i had one of those days today. it came in the simple voice of someone i love dearly. i made a dreaded phone call to someone who i love more than life but the last time we spoke it was on unfortunate terms. it's the kind of situation where you are both thinking about each other, and you both want things to be back to normal, yet you are both so much afraid of making that phone call that it sits unhandled until somebody, in this case me, bends and does the one thing they wish they didn't have to do. So i made the phone call and by the end of the 1st sentence i was already wishing that i hadn't made the phone call. yet i trudged on. by the end of the conversation one of us was crying and we just had to get off the phone. i would say things were better, yet still very much unresolved. nonetheless, progress was made, even if it was small. after that miserable phone call (the ones that are only five minutes long but feel like much, much longer) i stayied outside and layed down on some nice concrete and just thought. my mind was overwhelmed with emotions. i didn't know who to call, or even if talking to someone was what i needed. (turns out it wasn't) i feel sometimes that life is not what's it's supposed to be because we replace living with business. i think that's why i want out of this country. everything in my world has to be on a schedule. (namely my college graduation date)
it's like, i have one life, why do i want to spend it doing things that i don't have any desire to do. i kknow somethings are necessary for having things like food, a house, etc, but at the same time i feel like i can't ever do the things that i want to do, or be who i would like to be because of the american culture that talks of comfort, success, good lifestyle, tradition, preparing for your future. those are all good things, and i would never tell someone else not to pursue them, but if i have one life to live shouldn't i live it to the fullest. i know it sounds irresponsible, but really, think about it. i believe there is so much truth in that. and i know in order to do a lot of what i want to do i have to work hard, i'm not saying don't work hard. but what are you working hard at? i just feel sometimes like i'm not living the live i was desinged to live, and i'm doing things, not because they are right or wrong but because my society and culture tells me this is what's right and wrong when in reality its not a matter of right or wrong at all. in fact in history the people that had the biggest impact were the ones that did the opposite of society and didn't conform to the normal path of the world and did crazy, risky, remarkable things. and it's not that i want to be remarkable and make history. but i do want to have a remarkable life, where at the end of i can say, i may not have millions of dollars, but i saw everything i wanted. did everything i dreamed. and helped everyone i met.

conflicting passion

to often as i watch videos on youtube of professional performance, i'm astounded. On this planet is so many talented human beings. I am forever grateful for the portal that youtube provides me. Being unable to afford or be in the vicinity of that kind of talent, i'm grateful for the provisions youtube allots to me. That being said, i wonder where i fit into this conglomeration of talent. this web of musical genius. what is my role, how much will i chose to be apart of that world? growing up performing and receiving musical training a seed was planted. not so much a seed, as it as a surge of passion and energy, that is often dormant, but occasionally finds it's outlet and lets lose on my mind, heart, and soul. i can not describe my envy sometimes when i see others performing. i wish i could observe with nothing but grateful eyes, but more often then not i'm consumed with jealously and a desire to be apart of that world. I wonder what it is. is that my calling in life, i don't think so. not because i'm not passionate about it, but i feel that i have other passions that are more constantly overtaking me internally.
now i know a first reaction to statements like these is "you can have more than one passion" and i do. but, to what extent do i persue my talents. i suppose that's part of what everyone has to go through when we set out to "define ourselves" or "figure out who we are." maybe i should focus more on appreciating the fact that i have the option to decide what passion i chose to pursue with my entirety. But maybe my own personal conflict of passions is a bigger issue, the actual issue.
how does one decide which passion he or she is going to dedicate there life to pursuing. is it really possible to pursue two passions with equal vigor, giving both your 110% dedication? if so, how much does one miss out on because they don't believe that to be possible. If not, how much does one miss out on never becoming fully devoted to one thing.
are we supposed to choose one? are we expected to be dedicated to one thing solely? my first answer is of course not. But then why do we so often feel pressure to choose? why do we so often feel so much pressure to decided. why are people given a bad rep. if they are "spread to thin" who decides when you are spread to thin? is it a personal decision or is there really a limit, a recommended dosage of passion
what do you think?

what is family?

family: a social unit living together

i think, as i'm sure most people do, that it is so much more than this. But, what exactly is it? a shared genetic makeup? a shared last name? a father, mother, and their children? what is it exactly? i think its foolish to try and define family as it means so much for so many different people. i'm sure there are numerous amounts of people who live together who don't see themselves as family, even those who share blood, who have the same last name. family can't simply be those things. . . so what is it. as i said i think it's foolish to make an attempt at defining family. that being said, i do think it's an important thing to think about for yourself. . . .what does family mean to you. well, while you think about it, i'm going to tell you what it means to me.
I'm not a big fan of labels. I think that that is a product of my up bringing. i suppose it's weird because i have very structured, organized parents and structure and organization are two of my weakest character traits. for my family, A=A and B=B. for me A=whatever the heck you want it to be. I'm not defined by titles. I think as a culutre, americans like titles. they want to know if you're boyfriend and girlfriend, or just dating. to americans you don't sing, you're a singer. you're an athlete, you're not athletic, you are artistic, you don't just enjoy art. americans like to define everything and are comfortable only when they know what to call something. because of that, names/terms/titles hold a lot of power in our society. i think i make a sub conscious effort to rid myself of that. . . stigma.
for example, i have 11 siblings. . . no i don't i actually only have nine. . . no i actually have 11. see to me sibling isn't limited to what my government issued documents say. i use the term brother, and sister as a means to let people know how much they mean to me. my brother isn't my brother simply because we share blood or because we were raised in the same house with the same parents, my brother is my brother because to me water is runs deeper than blood. now of my 11 siblings only one is biologically, and genetically related to me. the rest, i love, treat, and consider my family. i think that its great when you call some one aunt (insert not genetically related name here) or uncle (repeat previous stated process). i think its crucial to recognize that outside of the confines of genes, that family can is something much greater than genetic codes and similar DNA. to me, family is another type of love. it has nothing to do with gentics or parents. i think, that english as a language is limited in its word choices. We have one word for the most powerful emotion of all, love. To me, family is what i do when i love someone to a greater extent than a best friend, or even a blood relative. family is a word i use to tell people how imporant they are to me, and how much i desire for them to be apart of my life, my world. It's a word for unconditional unwavering love. . . that's what family means to me, what does it mean to you?

interesting. . .

so you want to be a writer

if it doesn’t come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it for money or
fame,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don’t do it.
if it’s hard work just thinking about doing it,
don’t do it.
if you’re trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you’re not ready.

don’t be like so many writers,
don’t be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don’t be dull and boring and
pretentious, don’t be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don’t add to that.
don’t do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don’t do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don’t do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.
-Bukowski

relationships: at what cost

i think life gets the best of us. i think humans replace passion with feelings of inadequacy and lash out in violent destructive ways towards the people they love the most. It's a strange, unfortunate irony that we should stop participating in. the effects are potentially catastrophic. relationships are often permanently severed due to emotional outburst of pain, and insecurity. sometimes these feelings aren't just for a moment. we can remain offend and mad for days, weeks, and years, because we never stop to think....is this worth it, or what have I done wrong. we can't live perfect lives and we can't waste time staying mad at other people when they make mistakes. love through the pain. i think that's a form of self sacrifice and unconditional love that we often don't employ because it is perhaps the hardest form. relationships with people are the most important thing a human can posses, and losing out on them because someone hurt our feelings when they were weak is not worth it. in our moments of weakness when we lash out at other people, who much would we appreciate someone to love us through that and take the brunt of our anger without every trying to fight back, without ever trying to defend themselves? we need to learn how to do that for other people. the relationship is worth it, i promise.
j.hakim

i know you, rejection...

It's an interesting irony, in an attempt to help our children we tell them that to have friends, you must be a friend...we send a message of love and be loved, help and be help, deliver kindness receive kindness in return. unfortunately, due to my personal life experience i can't continue to circulate that logic. sure, being kind and friendly is going to reap more positive results than being cold, and mean, but we can't teach people to expect those things. we aren't entitled to anything. we aren't entitle to good things. we shouldn't expect people to treat us well, just because we give everything we have to them. it's just a path to disappointment. People even those who love you, will let you down. It's just a fact, you can give, and give, and give and receive a slap in the face in return. we can't expect good things to happen simply because we are "good people." instead we need to learn how to work through cruel treatment. we need to learn how to continue being self sacrificing when selfishness surrounds us. we need to learn to not stop loving and not stop caring simple because those around us stop. we have to become overcomers. perseverance needs to become our ally, our spouse, our best friends. don't let your heart become hard and calloused because people can't love you like you love them...otherwise hate has won, and we can't let that happen. i know from personal experience abandonment and rejection of family so those of you who are in that storm, i'm right there with you, feeling your same pain your same hurt. continue to love through the pain, experience the pain. abandonment and rejection is some of the worst pain a person can experience and if you can learn to overcome the desire to become numb and calloused, you have beaten one of your greatest foes in life...
-j.hakim

battle of the political parties

today i had a conversation with a room full of some of the most conservative republicans i know. conservatives from a small, white, middle class town and of course, we discussed political issues. These were christian conservatives, who i once agreed with. being from the same small town, and being in there same christian circle for 16 years of my life i thought almost identically. I was warned in high school about liberals, and professors who would brainwash me and corrupt my value system and my morals. I went to college very secure in my conservative christian mindset, and was ready with 16 years of republican apologetics, catch phrase, misconceptions, and misguided views. Quickly i was set straight. i don't consider myself a "liberal" but i'm definitely more liberal than any of my friends from home, and tonight i saw the scope of that. and after debating/arguing (call it what you will) for over two hours (often defending liberal ideas i don't agree with simply because i want them to understand how other people from different walks of life think) i understood how different we've become. how much i've changed, and how much they haven't, but not only haven't, but how much they are unwilling to even consider. I often would say "you don't have to agree, but just listen and learn" often to be cut off mid-sentence....obviously what i had to say wasn't as important as telling my crazy things like (and i quote) "george bush didn't put us in debt, that was bill clinton..."...i realized that i simply could not continue to engage in conversation when that's how far off they were...
i'm still a christian, a practice, jesus loving, god serving, song singing, bible reading christian (although after tonight many of my old friends aren't sure, and are probably going to schedule a prayer meeting for me, unfortunately i'm not joking or being sarcastic i was told mulitple times that they would be praying i "find the truth again." i'm just in shock somedays...i can't take it...someone please give me a hand, some encouragement

Proverbs 31:8-9

-i'd like to preface this post by saying: i'm speaking in generalities, obviously this doesn't pertain or describe everyone. but it is the way i have percieved my christian church these past few months...feel free to disagree, this is merely my opinion-

curiosity causes me to beg the question: why did the church become so quickly enraged and passionate about homosexuality? now i understand that Prop 8 had a lot to do with it, but really...it's not like it's a new issue, maybe more public now but definitely not new. i can't help but become skeptical, and frustrated with the church. i would like to know where in the hell, the millions of dollars that the church spent prior to voting to spread the word to vote Yes on 8 came from!? i am all about standing up for what you believe and support causes, but seriously! i can't count how many preachers who never discuss political issues are all of a sudden given sermons on homosexuality, and urging members to vote "yes". i can't count the number of campaign videos i saw prior to voting. i can't count the number of free "yes on 8" signs i saw available outside the church after sunday services. i can't count the number of conversations i had with christian people who were all of a sudden for the first time passionate about something. now that's great that the church decided to become passionate about something and really make what they saw to be a positive difference. But what about the 3.5 million (according to the national coalition of the homeless in 2008) homeless men, women and children in America? where is our passion for them? where are our finances to advertising about them? where are the sermons reminding us that our focus is to love others, when was the last time someone outside of my homeless shelter group mentioned homeless children in a "christian" conversation?...uphold God's values for the family in your life, and hold your friends accountable, but God commands us to first to love Him, then to love, protect, and provide for the destitute, the orphans, and the widows. what if the church showed as much passion, fire, and unity for the destitue as it did for the ban on homosexuality. that's great that you (the church) can rally together and keep your values in our government system, whatever...but what about the local homeless shelter...what about food and clothing drives, what about support for those who need it, what about sermons directed to remind people of GOD'S prioities for us...Jesus was exactly NOT what the Jews thought he was going to be. He didn't come and overthrow and control the government...when Jesus came Rome was ruled by dictators, when he left, Rome was still ruled by dictators...i don't think its our job to control what people do...it is our job to love our creator, and love and provide for those who need. you disagree with homosexuality...don't marry a homosexual...we aren't commanded to force our belief system, or our values on other people, but we are commanded to love people unconditionally. homosexuals shouldn't be afraid of the church, they shouldn't be afraid of Christians, they should be loved and treated as people. now i'm not saying the church shouldn't support political issues, or that christians shouldn't stand up for God's commands, but i'm just wondering why we became so consumed with that, when everyday, children, women, and men are homeless, alone, cold, and hungry in our own backyards.
i just wish the church was as passionate for those in need as it was for "protecting the sanctity of marriage."

Determination: 2 Cor 3:17

What is it exactly? "The act of deciding definitely and firmly. Firm or fixed intention to achieve a desired goal. It's what we are taught to do from time we are children and what we hopefully pass on to our children. Work hard, don't give up, mind over body, etc. It's in the words of coaches, teachers, parents, friends, and conscience. no one wants to be a quitter. Nobody wants the reputation of being someone that people can't depend on to finish things. People want to be accomplished, whether the task is big or small. I think it's important for us as humans to accomplish things, and to make sure that our loved ones accomplish things as well. It takes a toll on people...being some one who can't finish things. Obviously it feels easier, but how many people wish there mom hadn't let them stop piano as a child? we need to be the one to push those we care about to completion, and in turn surround yourself with people who, in times of your own weakness, will push you, and not accept 90% It sounds harsh at times, and obviously people go overboard and priorities get skewed, but as I worm my way through college, I can't help but stop and examine myself...Am i the quitter...or am I the finisher? When i look back on my time at University will I be proud, or full of regret.
I was online research how to get some jobs I'm interested in pursuing after college, and even with a degree and experience there are no shoo-ins. We aren't entitled to anything, and we aren't guaranteed or promised anything either. As i look at the jobs I secretly desire, I become full of concern and second guesses...What if after $50,000 dollars in college fees, $15,000 in loans, ten years of internships and stepping stones, I still never get that job i dreamed about as a twenty year old. I think back on all those motivational people in my life that said "If you put your mind to it, you will achieve your goals." Did they mean it? Did it work for them, so they think it works for everyone? Were they just being nice, and trying to encourage people or say what they were "supposed to say." What if that's a lie? What about all the people who do give everything they have and still don't accomplish there goals? what about those people?
Who am I, which person am I? Which person are you?

One thing I do believe and a quote that I hold very near and dear to my heart is: "Amateurs practice until they get it right, champions practice until they can't get it wrong."

Irony

i couldn't decide what to write about today, so i supposed i'll chose the awkward default...the weather. i live in a small corner of the world were rain and sun are prevalent, but snow is not, yet today God was feeling moody and decided to be nontraditional and unexplainable perhaps. no, i'm not a huge fan of the snow, and to be frank i don't understand how or why anyone is or would be...it's cold, very cold, sometimes so cold you feel like your burning...what is that about? but nonetheless i suppose there is always something to appreciate. maybe just the uniqueness of the seasons, and i guess God's entitled to a little spontaneity whose says it can't snow in spring.
j.hakim

written

I want to be a writer. I supposed, however, that that will in fact never be a real possibility. In my short time here on earth I have discovered that writers possess one thing that eludes me. Creativity. Whether it’s in the form of a fantastic imagination, an originality that surpasses those preceding it, a new idea, a new perspective, a new tone, a new style, or a new individuality. The greatest writers captivate there readers through use of these tools…alas I have passion with no talent, perseverance without a goal, a dream without hope…can you really train creativity. It’s almost like being a great writer is a the equivalent to being a great Olympic athlete. Sure one can train and improve, but there is a certain, god given quality that is just inherent and unpracticed. A special body type, an abnormal amount of coordination, strength, agility, work ethic….these things are in bred, and like creativity can be honed but not created. It’s sad really, the thing I really holistically enjoy…the something that makes me feel valuable because my opinions, my voice, my ideas will be heard by others…the one thing that I could wake up to and fall asleep to happily (aside from my music of course ;), is something that I was not given the in bred knack for….at least…I don’t think so.
I suppose that there are, like styles of music, many styles of writing, from which a number of people can find pointless, un-engaging,or fascinating. Perhaps I am in fact a fine writer, maybe I am the greatest writer of this century…perhaps my works shall never be appreciated until long after I have become a part of the soil…I wonder. Maybe I have the gift of creativity after all, maybe I have a talent, a purity, or a rawness…a unique way of phrasing that which has already been said a thousand times…interesting…I suppose, like great musicians, you don’t do it because you think are incredible…I enjoy writing, I hope others will enjoy my writing, but if they don’t, that won’t stop me from doing it.
Perhaps that is in fact what makes a good writer…can it really be that easy? I’m tired, so I’m going to stop now, but think on these things.
j.Hakim