Monday, March 30, 2009

relationships: at what cost

i think life gets the best of us. i think humans replace passion with feelings of inadequacy and lash out in violent destructive ways towards the people they love the most. It's a strange, unfortunate irony that we should stop participating in. the effects are potentially catastrophic. relationships are often permanently severed due to emotional outburst of pain, and insecurity. sometimes these feelings aren't just for a moment. we can remain offend and mad for days, weeks, and years, because we never stop to this worth it, or what have I done wrong. we can't live perfect lives and we can't waste time staying mad at other people when they make mistakes. love through the pain. i think that's a form of self sacrifice and unconditional love that we often don't employ because it is perhaps the hardest form. relationships with people are the most important thing a human can posses, and losing out on them because someone hurt our feelings when they were weak is not worth it. in our moments of weakness when we lash out at other people, who much would we appreciate someone to love us through that and take the brunt of our anger without every trying to fight back, without ever trying to defend themselves? we need to learn how to do that for other people. the relationship is worth it, i promise.

Friday, March 27, 2009

i know you, rejection...

It's an interesting irony, in an attempt to help our children we tell them that to have friends, you must be a friend...we send a message of love and be loved, help and be help, deliver kindness receive kindness in return. unfortunately, due to my personal life experience i can't continue to circulate that logic. sure, being kind and friendly is going to reap more positive results than being cold, and mean, but we can't teach people to expect those things. we aren't entitled to anything. we aren't entitle to good things. we shouldn't expect people to treat us well, just because we give everything we have to them. it's just a path to disappointment. People even those who love you, will let you down. It's just a fact, you can give, and give, and give and receive a slap in the face in return. we can't expect good things to happen simply because we are "good people." instead we need to learn how to work through cruel treatment. we need to learn how to continue being self sacrificing when selfishness surrounds us. we need to learn to not stop loving and not stop caring simple because those around us stop. we have to become overcomers. perseverance needs to become our ally, our spouse, our best friends. don't let your heart become hard and calloused because people can't love you like you love them...otherwise hate has won, and we can't let that happen. i know from personal experience abandonment and rejection of family so those of you who are in that storm, i'm right there with you, feeling your same pain your same hurt. continue to love through the pain, experience the pain. abandonment and rejection is some of the worst pain a person can experience and if you can learn to overcome the desire to become numb and calloused, you have beaten one of your greatest foes in life...

Thursday, March 26, 2009

battle of the political parties

today i had a conversation with a room full of some of the most conservative republicans i know. conservatives from a small, white, middle class town and of course, we discussed political issues. These were christian conservatives, who i once agreed with. being from the same small town, and being in there same christian circle for 16 years of my life i thought almost identically. I was warned in high school about liberals, and professors who would brainwash me and corrupt my value system and my morals. I went to college very secure in my conservative christian mindset, and was ready with 16 years of republican apologetics, catch phrase, misconceptions, and misguided views. Quickly i was set straight. i don't consider myself a "liberal" but i'm definitely more liberal than any of my friends from home, and tonight i saw the scope of that. and after debating/arguing (call it what you will) for over two hours (often defending liberal ideas i don't agree with simply because i want them to understand how other people from different walks of life think) i understood how different we've become. how much i've changed, and how much they haven't, but not only haven't, but how much they are unwilling to even consider. I often would say "you don't have to agree, but just listen and learn" often to be cut off mid-sentence....obviously what i had to say wasn't as important as telling my crazy things like (and i quote) "george bush didn't put us in debt, that was bill clinton..."...i realized that i simply could not continue to engage in conversation when that's how far off they were...
i'm still a christian, a practice, jesus loving, god serving, song singing, bible reading christian (although after tonight many of my old friends aren't sure, and are probably going to schedule a prayer meeting for me, unfortunately i'm not joking or being sarcastic i was told mulitple times that they would be praying i "find the truth again." i'm just in shock somedays...i can't take it...someone please give me a hand, some encouragement

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Proverbs 31:8-9

-i'd like to preface this post by saying: i'm speaking in generalities, obviously this doesn't pertain or describe everyone. but it is the way i have percieved my christian church these past few months...feel free to disagree, this is merely my opinion-

curiosity causes me to beg the question: why did the church become so quickly enraged and passionate about homosexuality? now i understand that Prop 8 had a lot to do with it, but's not like it's a new issue, maybe more public now but definitely not new. i can't help but become skeptical, and frustrated with the church. i would like to know where in the hell, the millions of dollars that the church spent prior to voting to spread the word to vote Yes on 8 came from!? i am all about standing up for what you believe and support causes, but seriously! i can't count how many preachers who never discuss political issues are all of a sudden given sermons on homosexuality, and urging members to vote "yes". i can't count the number of campaign videos i saw prior to voting. i can't count the number of free "yes on 8" signs i saw available outside the church after sunday services. i can't count the number of conversations i had with christian people who were all of a sudden for the first time passionate about something. now that's great that the church decided to become passionate about something and really make what they saw to be a positive difference. But what about the 3.5 million (according to the national coalition of the homeless in 2008) homeless men, women and children in America? where is our passion for them? where are our finances to advertising about them? where are the sermons reminding us that our focus is to love others, when was the last time someone outside of my homeless shelter group mentioned homeless children in a "christian" conversation?...uphold God's values for the family in your life, and hold your friends accountable, but God commands us to first to love Him, then to love, protect, and provide for the destitute, the orphans, and the widows. what if the church showed as much passion, fire, and unity for the destitue as it did for the ban on homosexuality. that's great that you (the church) can rally together and keep your values in our government system, whatever...but what about the local homeless shelter...what about food and clothing drives, what about support for those who need it, what about sermons directed to remind people of GOD'S prioities for us...Jesus was exactly NOT what the Jews thought he was going to be. He didn't come and overthrow and control the government...when Jesus came Rome was ruled by dictators, when he left, Rome was still ruled by dictators...i don't think its our job to control what people is our job to love our creator, and love and provide for those who need. you disagree with homosexuality...don't marry a homosexual...we aren't commanded to force our belief system, or our values on other people, but we are commanded to love people unconditionally. homosexuals shouldn't be afraid of the church, they shouldn't be afraid of Christians, they should be loved and treated as people. now i'm not saying the church shouldn't support political issues, or that christians shouldn't stand up for God's commands, but i'm just wondering why we became so consumed with that, when everyday, children, women, and men are homeless, alone, cold, and hungry in our own backyards.
i just wish the church was as passionate for those in need as it was for "protecting the sanctity of marriage."

Monday, March 23, 2009

Determination: 2 Cor 3:17

What is it exactly? "The act of deciding definitely and firmly. Firm or fixed intention to achieve a desired goal. It's what we are taught to do from time we are children and what we hopefully pass on to our children. Work hard, don't give up, mind over body, etc. It's in the words of coaches, teachers, parents, friends, and conscience. no one wants to be a quitter. Nobody wants the reputation of being someone that people can't depend on to finish things. People want to be accomplished, whether the task is big or small. I think it's important for us as humans to accomplish things, and to make sure that our loved ones accomplish things as well. It takes a toll on people...being some one who can't finish things. Obviously it feels easier, but how many people wish there mom hadn't let them stop piano as a child? we need to be the one to push those we care about to completion, and in turn surround yourself with people who, in times of your own weakness, will push you, and not accept 90% It sounds harsh at times, and obviously people go overboard and priorities get skewed, but as I worm my way through college, I can't help but stop and examine myself...Am i the quitter...or am I the finisher? When i look back on my time at University will I be proud, or full of regret.
I was online research how to get some jobs I'm interested in pursuing after college, and even with a degree and experience there are no shoo-ins. We aren't entitled to anything, and we aren't guaranteed or promised anything either. As i look at the jobs I secretly desire, I become full of concern and second guesses...What if after $50,000 dollars in college fees, $15,000 in loans, ten years of internships and stepping stones, I still never get that job i dreamed about as a twenty year old. I think back on all those motivational people in my life that said "If you put your mind to it, you will achieve your goals." Did they mean it? Did it work for them, so they think it works for everyone? Were they just being nice, and trying to encourage people or say what they were "supposed to say." What if that's a lie? What about all the people who do give everything they have and still don't accomplish there goals? what about those people?
Who am I, which person am I? Which person are you?

One thing I do believe and a quote that I hold very near and dear to my heart is: "Amateurs practice until they get it right, champions practice until they can't get it wrong."

Sunday, March 22, 2009


i couldn't decide what to write about today, so i supposed i'll chose the awkward default...the weather. i live in a small corner of the world were rain and sun are prevalent, but snow is not, yet today God was feeling moody and decided to be nontraditional and unexplainable perhaps. no, i'm not a huge fan of the snow, and to be frank i don't understand how or why anyone is or would's cold, very cold, sometimes so cold you feel like your burning...what is that about? but nonetheless i suppose there is always something to appreciate. maybe just the uniqueness of the seasons, and i guess God's entitled to a little spontaneity whose says it can't snow in spring.


I want to be a writer. I supposed, however, that that will in fact never be a real possibility. In my short time here on earth I have discovered that writers possess one thing that eludes me. Creativity. Whether it’s in the form of a fantastic imagination, an originality that surpasses those preceding it, a new idea, a new perspective, a new tone, a new style, or a new individuality. The greatest writers captivate there readers through use of these tools…alas I have passion with no talent, perseverance without a goal, a dream without hope…can you really train creativity. It’s almost like being a great writer is a the equivalent to being a great Olympic athlete. Sure one can train and improve, but there is a certain, god given quality that is just inherent and unpracticed. A special body type, an abnormal amount of coordination, strength, agility, work ethic….these things are in bred, and like creativity can be honed but not created. It’s sad really, the thing I really holistically enjoy…the something that makes me feel valuable because my opinions, my voice, my ideas will be heard by others…the one thing that I could wake up to and fall asleep to happily (aside from my music of course ;), is something that I was not given the in bred knack for….at least…I don’t think so.
I suppose that there are, like styles of music, many styles of writing, from which a number of people can find pointless, un-engaging,or fascinating. Perhaps I am in fact a fine writer, maybe I am the greatest writer of this century…perhaps my works shall never be appreciated until long after I have become a part of the soil…I wonder. Maybe I have the gift of creativity after all, maybe I have a talent, a purity, or a rawness…a unique way of phrasing that which has already been said a thousand times…interesting…I suppose, like great musicians, you don’t do it because you think are incredible…I enjoy writing, I hope others will enjoy my writing, but if they don’t, that won’t stop me from doing it.
Perhaps that is in fact what makes a good writer…can it really be that easy? I’m tired, so I’m going to stop now, but think on these things.