Monday, May 18, 2009
i miss midnight conversation. a lot actually. just staying up with someone, and exchanging thoughts, dreams, aspirations, goals, desires, frustrations, and fears. i don't know why but midnight hours seem to bring those conversations more often than daylight does. maybe its because your tired. lol. i don't know. but i miss them, and i enjoy them so much. its like you know you should be sleeping, but you also know that no matter how hard it is to wake up or what you have the next day, every minute of that conversation was so worth it. it was worth it because you connected with another human being in a way that is beyond normal human connection. you've taken a friendship deeper, you've taken a romantic relationship and added the element of intimacy. you've realized, even if just for a moment, that the most important thing in the world is your relationship with the people you love the most, and the moments you share together. maybe these moments are more important to me because "quality time" is my love language, but whatever the case i miss them dearly. those conversations are filled with so much humor, awkwardness, story telling, and star gazing that you can't help but be moved and changed by them. you can't help but see the person you're talking to in a different way. maybe what makes them so amazing is that you shouldn't really be having them at 3 am, but you are just having such a good time you can't stop, you are just so interested in the person either as a friend or a romantic interest that you don't ever want the conversation to end. and when someone finally takes the responsible role and ends the conversation it brings with it grunting, under the breath comments, and reluctant hang ups or hugs goodbye.
so often those conversations reveal internal pain and suffering, as well as hidden secrets or talents. they are the moments filled with tears and laughter. they are the conversations where we drop our refined, put together, confidant personas and become human with our faults our fears, our failures as well as our quirks, and our inside jokies all coming to the for front. they are the moments where humans connect and build one another up, encourage one another in times of suffering. they are moments when people look back and laugh, or where secret ways of saying i love you originate. they are my favorite moments in this life, and i miss them. maybe its because i'm up so late so often by myself. . . ;)
next time you get a midnight moment, don't pass it up. whatever tomorrow holds, let it be in tomorrow and enjoy the midnight while its yours. to often, especially in american society, we rush and don't pause for those moments, we fail to savor them, we fail to appreciate them, HECK we fail to have them. but that's where its at. that's a little bit of what it means to LIVE and not just be ALIVE. live a little
Saturday, May 16, 2009
i just want to experience god. experience him on a deeper, more real, more honest, more tangible level every single day. i want to see him in a way that no one else has. i want to feel him, in a way that i remember so vividly being touched by him. i want to walk with him next to me, i want to come to a place in my faith where i hear him speaking to me, in a clear voice. i want my relationship with god to be one of intense, passionate intimacy unlike that which the world has ever seen. i want to be so consumed with him that he's a part of everyone of my waking moments. i want him to never be far from my thought, i want to be in a constant communication with the great, perfect, beautiful one that created me. I want him to fulfill me. i want to never again feel abandoned because he is always there, and i not only know that, but its so clear to me that feelings of abandonment can't find there way into my heart and soul. thats it. . . i want my soul to be intertwined with his. i want to sit with him. . . and talk with him. . . i want to bring him into every corner of my heart and let him cleanse me and make a home for himself. i love him, but i want more. i need more than just the love i have right now. i need to be so overwhelmed with love for him that i will stop at nothing to be apart of his existence. god is so good to me. . . he's so on top of my needs. he's go great, i just want more. more of his unconditional affection. . .
i want to go on a journey with jesus christ that is so profound not only am i forever changed and altered, but that change is so dramatic and profound that every person i encounter can't help but experience a piece of my transformation. I want to be so impacted by God that anyone who just looks at me instantly sees that my humaness has been replaced by something not of this world. something so foreign to them that they are forced to stop and wonder what it is. . .i want my eyes to mirrors Jesus'
Friday, May 15, 2009
Dreaming Wide Awake
Dreaming, yet wide awake, falling but never landing
Gravity has no hold here, and reality is unaware of my existence
I’m alone in this moment so unsure and scared
I’m frightened for my life, please rescue me
I’m overwhelmed, and challenged
I’ve fallen down and can’t find the strength to stand back up
I’ve failed to face this weakness, this proof of my humanness
And I’m ashamed to be seen by you as you hang there
Sleep, please overtake me, give me rest from this burden
Give me the hope that tomorrow is a new day
Peace of God find me, peace consume me
This can’t be how this goes, Abba help
Hold me so close my heartbeat sings the harmony of yours
Tell me you will carry me through,
Let me know you won’t leave me,
Daddy, daddy, daddy, hold me tightly
Lovely scars of sacrifice
Love me, with all you have to give
Wonderful crimson blood bring life
Jesus, rescue this child
-a fellow daydreamer
so this is my 3rd attempt at writing something tonight. the first two "takes" were a little personal even for me (:) i guess i'm not ready to be competely candid and opened (which isn't a bad thing at all) but i think that it caused me to think about the importance of having someone in your life who you can trust beyound a shadow of a doubt to be there and to love you through your faults and to love you through your shame, and to love you through you backslidding. i re-realized the importance of having someone who you can share anything with and at the end of your moment of disclosure you are still just as loved, just as protected, just as desirable, and just as wonderful to them. humans need that, humans need at least one other human with whom they can connect with on a level that is deeper than with anyone else. Someone who is many ways' knows them much better than they know even themselves. and i'm not leading into a romance, or a marriage, but of a relationship so deep, so profound that nothing short of death can sever that bond they share. and even in death a piece of the one on earth is taken up with the fallen angel and only returned to the remaining soul upon his own death. humans need a connection, on this earth that is so pure, so unmistakeable beautiful and as close to perfection as humans can achieve in this life. This bond is need so much that God created for Adam, Eve. whether this relationship is formed from two siblings, two best friends, or a man and a wife through a marriage, each human being needs to find this in his/her lifetime. for those that don't already have it, life is such a difficult foe to attack everyday, alone. it becomes nearly impossible to continue and to move forward in lifes storms when you have no one to carry you and to hold you up in your weakest moments. as i grow older i learn more and more about this and who that person is in my life, and how i can be that person to another human being. i learn the importance and necessity of have just one person who knows everything, one person with whom you can be completely raw, unedited, and real with. the one person who when you cry, they cry the same tears and when you laugh, their laugh is the perfect reflexion of your joy. its a beautiful thing, this type of friendship, one i hope each and everyone of you can enjoy, and one i thank god for developing in my even now. . .
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
So, it's nearly two in the morning, yet here i am, up typing, blogging, and writing. exhausted physically yet mental so stimulated sleep is not around the corner. The funny thing about this blog is that i never prepare these scripts. all my entries are unedited and raw, just me word vomiting on a computer screen, i feel the lack of structure and direction more so now than usual. tonight i'm up pondering many things, debating the course of action i am going to take on a number of issues. i'm up praising and fighting God about different things. i'm wide awake, dreaming about my tomorrow and what it holds for me. surprisingly for me, i'm not at all worried, more curious, and lost in and endless wonder. i think i've stopped worrying. maybe because God has provided to many times for me to still worry about trivial things. I dunno. sigh*. . . this human experience . . .it's so intricate and challenging. i wonder sometimes how many other of my fellow humans are up on a regular basis thinking about their lives and the people in them. Thinking about what there future holds, laying in shame, or joy because of decisions they've made. i wonder how many people use these moments in between the active day and dreamfilled sleep to sort through the mess in their minds and find a peace and clarity, find some direction. i know i'm not the only one, but i do wonder if i'm an overactive midnight ponderer. . . .i've lived an interesting, event filled life so far. i know i'm young but i've seen so much of the world, met so many different people, loved to the point of internal devestation. i hope i have a lot of life left in my time here on this earth. . . there are things i still want to do, people i want to love harder, places i want to see, memories that have to be made. . . is this perhaps what self discovery is. these late night ponderings where we catalog our lives events and try to make sense of all that we see, and hear and do? is this just a necessary part of growing up? how can one person be so consumed with so many thoughts. . . i don't even know where to start if i were to disclose all that's on my mind to one person right now. but i do know that once i did, i would go on for hrs sharing all the sturggles, turmoils, excitments, and emotions going through me at once. life is intersting to say the least. i wish i could pause for a moment and step outside of myself and observed what is going on around and within me. perhaps these midnight ponderings are as close to stepping outside of myself as i shall ever be privilegded to experience.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
as i grow older, i can't help but stop, take a breath, and look back over my short life and see how much life i've actually lived. it's amazing how some days it all seems so simple but then something happens and takes your breath away and you're are forced to stop, and start paying closer attention. for me i had one of those days today. it came in the simple voice of someone i love dearly. i made a dreaded phone call to someone who i love more than life but the last time we spoke it was on unfortunate terms. it's the kind of situation where you are both thinking about each other, and you both want things to be back to normal, yet you are both so much afraid of making that phone call that it sits unhandled until somebody, in this case me, bends and does the one thing they wish they didn't have to do. So i made the phone call and by the end of the 1st sentence i was already wishing that i hadn't made the phone call. yet i trudged on. by the end of the conversation one of us was crying and we just had to get off the phone. i would say things were better, yet still very much unresolved. nonetheless, progress was made, even if it was small. after that miserable phone call (the ones that are only five minutes long but feel like much, much longer) i stayied outside and layed down on some nice concrete and just thought. my mind was overwhelmed with emotions. i didn't know who to call, or even if talking to someone was what i needed. (turns out it wasn't) i feel sometimes that life is not what's it's supposed to be because we replace living with business. i think that's why i want out of this country. everything in my world has to be on a schedule. (namely my college graduation date)
it's like, i have one life, why do i want to spend it doing things that i don't have any desire to do. i kknow somethings are necessary for having things like food, a house, etc, but at the same time i feel like i can't ever do the things that i want to do, or be who i would like to be because of the american culture that talks of comfort, success, good lifestyle, tradition, preparing for your future. those are all good things, and i would never tell someone else not to pursue them, but if i have one life to live shouldn't i live it to the fullest. i know it sounds irresponsible, but really, think about it. i believe there is so much truth in that. and i know in order to do a lot of what i want to do i have to work hard, i'm not saying don't work hard. but what are you working hard at? i just feel sometimes like i'm not living the live i was desinged to live, and i'm doing things, not because they are right or wrong but because my society and culture tells me this is what's right and wrong when in reality its not a matter of right or wrong at all. in fact in history the people that had the biggest impact were the ones that did the opposite of society and didn't conform to the normal path of the world and did crazy, risky, remarkable things. and it's not that i want to be remarkable and make history. but i do want to have a remarkable life, where at the end of i can say, i may not have millions of dollars, but i saw everything i wanted. did everything i dreamed. and helped everyone i met.