Well, it's this crazy thing called life.

as i grow older, i can't help but stop, take a breath, and look back over my short life and see how much life i've actually lived. it's amazing how some days it all seems so simple but then something happens and takes your breath away and you're are forced to stop, and start paying closer attention. for me i had one of those days today. it came in the simple voice of someone i love dearly. i made a dreaded phone call to someone who i love more than life but the last time we spoke it was on unfortunate terms. it's the kind of situation where you are both thinking about each other, and you both want things to be back to normal, yet you are both so much afraid of making that phone call that it sits unhandled until somebody, in this case me, bends and does the one thing they wish they didn't have to do. So i made the phone call and by the end of the 1st sentence i was already wishing that i hadn't made the phone call. yet i trudged on. by the end of the conversation one of us was crying and we just had to get off the phone. i would say things were better, yet still very much unresolved. nonetheless, progress was made, even if it was small. after that miserable phone call (the ones that are only five minutes long but feel like much, much longer) i stayied outside and layed down on some nice concrete and just thought. my mind was overwhelmed with emotions. i didn't know who to call, or even if talking to someone was what i needed. (turns out it wasn't) i feel sometimes that life is not what's it's supposed to be because we replace living with business. i think that's why i want out of this country. everything in my world has to be on a schedule. (namely my college graduation date)
it's like, i have one life, why do i want to spend it doing things that i don't have any desire to do. i kknow somethings are necessary for having things like food, a house, etc, but at the same time i feel like i can't ever do the things that i want to do, or be who i would like to be because of the american culture that talks of comfort, success, good lifestyle, tradition, preparing for your future. those are all good things, and i would never tell someone else not to pursue them, but if i have one life to live shouldn't i live it to the fullest. i know it sounds irresponsible, but really, think about it. i believe there is so much truth in that. and i know in order to do a lot of what i want to do i have to work hard, i'm not saying don't work hard. but what are you working hard at? i just feel sometimes like i'm not living the live i was desinged to live, and i'm doing things, not because they are right or wrong but because my society and culture tells me this is what's right and wrong when in reality its not a matter of right or wrong at all. in fact in history the people that had the biggest impact were the ones that did the opposite of society and didn't conform to the normal path of the world and did crazy, risky, remarkable things. and it's not that i want to be remarkable and make history. but i do want to have a remarkable life, where at the end of i can say, i may not have millions of dollars, but i saw everything i wanted. did everything i dreamed. and helped everyone i met.