1st SONG POST!!

Do you ever have those moments where you reconnect with someone. Like a sibling or an old friend. someone who at one point you were very close with and times just took you in different paths. yet you have the opportunity to reconnect. only this time that reconnection isn't a good one. the person isn't who they used to be. in fact they are much much worse than who they were or who you remember them being. or is there that friend that ALWAYS coming to you with difficult life stuff and you're just tired and weary from listening. you are the one they can always count on, but it's just to much. either the news is to heavy or you feel like you've carried to much of there burden in the past to listen to more. and you basically just want a break. life hasn't been kind to them or they've made big mistakes. your heart hurts for them. alot. you want to be supportive and be the listening ear but you just can't. it's to painful. well i wrote a song about it. about wanting things to be the way they were. wanting all those things you dreamed about together as kids to have come true and then realizing . . . they aren't. . . it's the first set of lyics i'm releasing to the public!! i hope in resonates with you guys!!


You’re not the same

Please, don’t tell me your story
I just can’t hear what happened
I know that you’re only human
But so am I

I knew you before
I knew a different person
I’m not saying I don’t love you anymore
But some things have definitely changed


Life takes us different ways
People rarely stay the same
Change isn’t always good
People never stay the same

Come sit down and talk to me
Lets remember times gone by
No really I can’t hear it
Please don’t try

I’m sorry I can’t be there for you
I’m sorry I can’t listen
I really wish I could help you
But it hurts me to bad

I will sit with you
Just sit with me
I will hold on tight
Please hold on tight

Just know I love you
Even though I won’t listen
Remember I love you

when will i get my miracle?

So. . . i'm up. watching FRIENDS (per-usual) facebook chatting, thinking about a girl, and journalling to myself. . . and now apparently writing to you, all my faithful followers. i decided a few days ago, that i should just write . . . alot this fall. i mean. . . ihave nothing to lose. i think i want like an 11 track record, but i think i'm going to write like 30 poems/songs/etc for this CD. just word vomit sometimes, rant and rave, and pray and record those thoughts. i realize that great ideas for lyrics come and go, but every once in a while i flash of brillance over takes me LoL and i usually am no where near a pen and paper and if i am (say in class) i'll jot it down quickly and lose it inevitably. sometimes i'll send myself text messages then forget about them and delete them. i wonder. . . so often artist are the most unorganzied people, how many works of greatest have jsut been lost in the hustle and disarray of our scattered lives? so tonight i'm up just chilling, trying to remember those feels i had earlier this year and recapture some of those moments. . . triumph and darkness. . . wish me luck. . .

Fall.Hugs&Coffee

So it finally begins. The 1st live studio album of . . . well me. . . It starts now, well i suppose it's been a work in progress but the wheels have started turning again, my lyrical writes block has passed and i'm back on track to getting an album out. . . finally...granted it's going to be at least one year in the works, but progress is in fact being made. I feel as though i've gone through so much since my last post in august. so much that i've thought about, and so much that i've written about. So much that needs to be processed through my passion for music and it's something that i most definitely want to share with you. my friends and family. It's going to be epic but in a subtle way. Small production yet giant messages about what it is i've been experiencing and learning. It's going to be largely acoustic because the focus is on the message the music is simply the vessel that is going to be bringing these messages to you. I'm excited, scared to share some of what it is i'll be sharing. but feeling as though i want to share my life experience with others and know that this pain i've come through is largely pointless if i keep it to myself. So. . . it starts now. this is the first official public statement (by public i do in fact mean the 3 of you that read this LOL) but it's a start. So please encourage me in this process. i've started recording projects on several previous occassions and i've even recorded several tiems before. but i feel as though i've come to a place in my life and a place in my voice and my depth that it makes sense to do this. to RECORD and save for eternity what it is i'm experiencing. Sometiems good ideas are great ideas but "now" isnt' when it's time to share those ideas. I've always loved singing but that doesn't mean i've sung well enough to record songs. you have to be able to vocal get a message across as well as artistically. i will always have growth but i feel now is a perfect time to start. The album title is simply yet original. Fall.hugs&coffee for various reasons i'll explain later. but i hope to update those of you who care and are interested when updates permit themselves. maybe some lyrics here and there. maybe some demo's. .. . we'll see how it plays out put i thank you for partaking of this journey with me. it's going to be awesome!

LOVE: the greatest for lettered word

Loving people is the greatest things we can achieve as humans, after loving God. It is the way that we can most imitate God, because God is Love. He loves humanity unconditionally and irrevocably. Thus, if we can find it in our hearts to love humans we have achieve the second greatest calling as humans.
I am beginning to realize in my own life what it means to love other humans, and how that love manifests itself in me. It's incredible what kind of opportunities present themselves when we go out of our way and let someone have a piece of our heart without condition. so often in our society we are taught to protect our heart. I'm not speaking in terms of romantic love either (darn english language) i'm speaking in unconditional, non romantic love for another human. a self-sacrificing love. one that is stronger than emotions and goes deeper than feelings. It is a love of action. a love of sacrifice. Sure you will feel, but this is a fruit sown from the love, not the love itself. but when we can manage as humans to find a way to allow other humans control of our love, amazing things can start to happen. Walls surrounding the hearts of other people will start to be broken down. Defenses will be lowerd, and lives can truely start to be effected. You can share encouraging words and they won't fall on deaf ears. It's very difficult to not love someone who loves you unconditionally as christ did. isn't that why christianity is so different. our God loves us and sacrificed everything important so that we would know his love for us and be able to commune with him.
as i get older (though i'm still very young and have much to learn) i am learning what it means for me to love. i am learning how that looks. . . and it hurts. . . .a lot. . . when you love people recklessly, they have the ability to hurt you, and damage you. and oftentimes, they will. and because your love is unconditional you can't help but continue to love them. that's when you know the depth of your love. when they stop treating you well and instead treat you poorly and you still only love them more. it's realizing that they dont love you nearly as much as you love them, yet that doesnt change the amount of love you have for them. Its continuing to be invovled in there life even though the seemingly have no desire to be invovled in yours. its staying up at night praying for them, and pleading on there behalf before God when they only see you as a nucance. . . that is unconditional love. its having your heart stripped raw, and then beaten and bruised to the point of exhaustion and destruction and still, getting up, picking up the peices and continuing to pursue after them with a passionate desire to show them your love.
we are called to love as christ has loved, and he never gives up on people, he never stops pursing people, he never stops telling people he loves them. he forgives those who beat him. he loves those who persecute him. that's not something my culture teaches me to do. . . at all. my culture tells me the opposite. . . society says to leave those people in the dust, because you don't need them. but my God has a very different message.
he says to wait right behind them and when they fall to pick them up, and when they hit you, you continue to stand behind them and when they cry out for help you will still be there.
that is the kind of love that i want to exhibt. the kind that i want to showcase to the world because its the love God has called me to hvae for people.
yes it hurts. because people don't always stay in your life forever, but i will stay up everynight and pray for those that stay forever in my mind. God give me strength

unaswered crying

Here are the thoughts and feelings of gay High School boy. The boy jason is another gay boy who is his boyfriend. both christian/catholics struggling with how they are to deal with their religion and there homosexuality.
Put you defenses down, and just listen to this young boys prayer to God, and his pleas to humanity. don't try to defend God cause he doesn't need your help, just listen, learn and be challegened and ask God at the end what he says, what he speaks to you about this. we can't keep ignoring it. as christians i feel we are called to a higher standard than this.

Everything's an act when your pleasing everyone, and he assumes that role to such renown. he plays the perfect part, straight from his heart, knowing the risk he takes and hoping that the house is not brought down
the role of a lifetime is living a fantasy, a drama that you struggle to erase, thoughts battle words over deeds a war with such causalities, are played out behind a smiling face
God i need your guidance, tell me what it means, to live a life where nothings as it seems. spending days in silent fear, and spending nights in lonely prayer, hoping that one day when you wake those feelings wont be there.
so confused because i'm complete with him, when were alone it all somehow makes sense, look into his eyes for some compromise, remember the word forget, and try to bury something so intense
you learn to play the straight your lines become routine, never really saying what you mean, but i know this scene will change white picket fences and a dog, a trohpy bride and children, God i know that's what he wants. But jason what role do i play, am i savior or a phase am i here to damn you or to help you navigate this maze.
where confusion is a crime, so you fill your life with sound and if you dance like hell you hope you'll never touch the ground. what happens when the music stops, in this silence will he stay!? one day you'll realize that these feelings aren't going away. so we drive ourselves insane, spinning circles in our souls, as we dance around and play pretend. and once again reprise our roles. . .

what answers does the church have for these people. what answers does the Bible offer. So many homosexual people struggle with there lives everyday because they would give anything to be different, but they just aren't. How do we cater to them as christian friends and family? telling them that if they really pray enough the feelings they were born with and hate will go away? why do we feed them that? why do we pretend to have easy answers to such an incredibly difficult thing. we tell them its a sin, and if they act on it, they are damned to hell. we tell them its the same disgusting thing as pedophilia, and murder. how can we do that. these young christian people dying for answers, begging God to be different, asking him why he created them that way if they are then damned to hell for acting on the feelings they can't change. They are damned to a life without romance, without being able to tell some people how much they love them. Not being able to be physically intimate. and we christians who don't struggle with it can never offer up a solution, and in my experience and through what i've seen, we rarely even offer up support. if there is one thing in the scripture i struggle with daily its homosexuality. why, why is it a sin? why is it "destructive" and what are homosexuals supposed to do. i know what the scriptures say, i've read them, i've been taught them, so please don't just quote scripture, unless of coures that's all the answer we have for them. The Bible says so. . .the end no explanation. everything else is common sense or explained. We need jesus' love b/c we are imperfect and he is perfect, murder ends beautiful life, pedophilia denies children of there right to innocence, free choice, and life. i feel like everything is explain, and then all that it says about homosexuality is don't do it for it is lawlessness. why God, then WHY did you create people who are homosexual? i'm having a very hard time in my life digesting this. and findout a better answer for these poor people. they deserve a better answer than the ones they've been given. i know God loves them. . . but why would he create them to have those feelings they pray everyday to have taken away, and then deny them eternal life when they act on them, just like every hetero sexual would. . .God? i need answers, please.

midnight conversation

i miss midnight conversation. a lot actually. just staying up with someone, and exchanging thoughts, dreams, aspirations, goals, desires, frustrations, and fears. i don't know why but midnight hours seem to bring those conversations more often than daylight does. maybe its because your tired. lol. i don't know. but i miss them, and i enjoy them so much. its like you know you should be sleeping, but you also know that no matter how hard it is to wake up or what you have the next day, every minute of that conversation was so worth it. it was worth it because you connected with another human being in a way that is beyond normal human connection. you've taken a friendship deeper, you've taken a romantic relationship and added the element of intimacy. you've realized, even if just for a moment, that the most important thing in the world is your relationship with the people you love the most, and the moments you share together. maybe these moments are more important to me because "quality time" is my love language, but whatever the case i miss them dearly. those conversations are filled with so much humor, awkwardness, story telling, and star gazing that you can't help but be moved and changed by them. you can't help but see the person you're talking to in a different way. maybe what makes them so amazing is that you shouldn't really be having them at 3 am, but you are just having such a good time you can't stop, you are just so interested in the person either as a friend or a romantic interest that you don't ever want the conversation to end. and when someone finally takes the responsible role and ends the conversation it brings with it grunting, under the breath comments, and reluctant hang ups or hugs goodbye.
so often those conversations reveal internal pain and suffering, as well as hidden secrets or talents. they are the moments filled with tears and laughter. they are the conversations where we drop our refined, put together, confidant personas and become human with our faults our fears, our failures as well as our quirks, and our inside jokies all coming to the for front. they are the moments where humans connect and build one another up, encourage one another in times of suffering. they are moments when people look back and laugh, or where secret ways of saying i love you originate. they are my favorite moments in this life, and i miss them. maybe its because i'm up so late so often by myself. . . ;)
next time you get a midnight moment, don't pass it up. whatever tomorrow holds, let it be in tomorrow and enjoy the midnight while its yours. to often, especially in american society, we rush and don't pause for those moments, we fail to savor them, we fail to appreciate them, HECK we fail to have them. but that's where its at. that's a little bit of what it means to LIVE and not just be ALIVE. live a little

more of god....

i just want to experience god. experience him on a deeper, more real, more honest, more tangible level every single day. i want to see him in a way that no one else has. i want to feel him, in a way that i remember so vividly being touched by him. i want to walk with him next to me, i want to come to a place in my faith where i hear him speaking to me, in a clear voice. i want my relationship with god to be one of intense, passionate intimacy unlike that which the world has ever seen. i want to be so consumed with him that he's a part of everyone of my waking moments. i want him to never be far from my thought, i want to be in a constant communication with the great, perfect, beautiful one that created me. I want him to fulfill me. i want to never again feel abandoned because he is always there, and i not only know that, but its so clear to me that feelings of abandonment can't find there way into my heart and soul. thats it. . . i want my soul to be intertwined with his. i want to sit with him. . . and talk with him. . . i want to bring him into every corner of my heart and let him cleanse me and make a home for himself. i love him, but i want more. i need more than just the love i have right now. i need to be so overwhelmed with love for him that i will stop at nothing to be apart of his existence. god is so good to me. . . he's so on top of my needs. he's go great, i just want more. more of his unconditional affection. . .
i want to go on a journey with jesus christ that is so profound not only am i forever changed and altered, but that change is so dramatic and profound that every person i encounter can't help but experience a piece of my transformation. I want to be so impacted by God that anyone who just looks at me instantly sees that my humaness has been replaced by something not of this world. something so foreign to them that they are forced to stop and wonder what it is. . .i want my eyes to mirrors Jesus'