LOVE: the greatest for lettered word

Loving people is the greatest things we can achieve as humans, after loving God. It is the way that we can most imitate God, because God is Love. He loves humanity unconditionally and irrevocably. Thus, if we can find it in our hearts to love humans we have achieve the second greatest calling as humans.
I am beginning to realize in my own life what it means to love other humans, and how that love manifests itself in me. It's incredible what kind of opportunities present themselves when we go out of our way and let someone have a piece of our heart without condition. so often in our society we are taught to protect our heart. I'm not speaking in terms of romantic love either (darn english language) i'm speaking in unconditional, non romantic love for another human. a self-sacrificing love. one that is stronger than emotions and goes deeper than feelings. It is a love of action. a love of sacrifice. Sure you will feel, but this is a fruit sown from the love, not the love itself. but when we can manage as humans to find a way to allow other humans control of our love, amazing things can start to happen. Walls surrounding the hearts of other people will start to be broken down. Defenses will be lowerd, and lives can truely start to be effected. You can share encouraging words and they won't fall on deaf ears. It's very difficult to not love someone who loves you unconditionally as christ did. isn't that why christianity is so different. our God loves us and sacrificed everything important so that we would know his love for us and be able to commune with him.
as i get older (though i'm still very young and have much to learn) i am learning what it means for me to love. i am learning how that looks. . . and it hurts. . . .a lot. . . when you love people recklessly, they have the ability to hurt you, and damage you. and oftentimes, they will. and because your love is unconditional you can't help but continue to love them. that's when you know the depth of your love. when they stop treating you well and instead treat you poorly and you still only love them more. it's realizing that they dont love you nearly as much as you love them, yet that doesnt change the amount of love you have for them. Its continuing to be invovled in there life even though the seemingly have no desire to be invovled in yours. its staying up at night praying for them, and pleading on there behalf before God when they only see you as a nucance. . . that is unconditional love. its having your heart stripped raw, and then beaten and bruised to the point of exhaustion and destruction and still, getting up, picking up the peices and continuing to pursue after them with a passionate desire to show them your love.
we are called to love as christ has loved, and he never gives up on people, he never stops pursing people, he never stops telling people he loves them. he forgives those who beat him. he loves those who persecute him. that's not something my culture teaches me to do. . . at all. my culture tells me the opposite. . . society says to leave those people in the dust, because you don't need them. but my God has a very different message.
he says to wait right behind them and when they fall to pick them up, and when they hit you, you continue to stand behind them and when they cry out for help you will still be there.
that is the kind of love that i want to exhibt. the kind that i want to showcase to the world because its the love God has called me to hvae for people.
yes it hurts. because people don't always stay in your life forever, but i will stay up everynight and pray for those that stay forever in my mind. God give me strength

unaswered crying

Here are the thoughts and feelings of gay High School boy. The boy jason is another gay boy who is his boyfriend. both christian/catholics struggling with how they are to deal with their religion and there homosexuality.
Put you defenses down, and just listen to this young boys prayer to God, and his pleas to humanity. don't try to defend God cause he doesn't need your help, just listen, learn and be challegened and ask God at the end what he says, what he speaks to you about this. we can't keep ignoring it. as christians i feel we are called to a higher standard than this.

Everything's an act when your pleasing everyone, and he assumes that role to such renown. he plays the perfect part, straight from his heart, knowing the risk he takes and hoping that the house is not brought down
the role of a lifetime is living a fantasy, a drama that you struggle to erase, thoughts battle words over deeds a war with such causalities, are played out behind a smiling face
God i need your guidance, tell me what it means, to live a life where nothings as it seems. spending days in silent fear, and spending nights in lonely prayer, hoping that one day when you wake those feelings wont be there.
so confused because i'm complete with him, when were alone it all somehow makes sense, look into his eyes for some compromise, remember the word forget, and try to bury something so intense
you learn to play the straight your lines become routine, never really saying what you mean, but i know this scene will change white picket fences and a dog, a trohpy bride and children, God i know that's what he wants. But jason what role do i play, am i savior or a phase am i here to damn you or to help you navigate this maze.
where confusion is a crime, so you fill your life with sound and if you dance like hell you hope you'll never touch the ground. what happens when the music stops, in this silence will he stay!? one day you'll realize that these feelings aren't going away. so we drive ourselves insane, spinning circles in our souls, as we dance around and play pretend. and once again reprise our roles. . .

what answers does the church have for these people. what answers does the Bible offer. So many homosexual people struggle with there lives everyday because they would give anything to be different, but they just aren't. How do we cater to them as christian friends and family? telling them that if they really pray enough the feelings they were born with and hate will go away? why do we feed them that? why do we pretend to have easy answers to such an incredibly difficult thing. we tell them its a sin, and if they act on it, they are damned to hell. we tell them its the same disgusting thing as pedophilia, and murder. how can we do that. these young christian people dying for answers, begging God to be different, asking him why he created them that way if they are then damned to hell for acting on the feelings they can't change. They are damned to a life without romance, without being able to tell some people how much they love them. Not being able to be physically intimate. and we christians who don't struggle with it can never offer up a solution, and in my experience and through what i've seen, we rarely even offer up support. if there is one thing in the scripture i struggle with daily its homosexuality. why, why is it a sin? why is it "destructive" and what are homosexuals supposed to do. i know what the scriptures say, i've read them, i've been taught them, so please don't just quote scripture, unless of coures that's all the answer we have for them. The Bible says so. . .the end no explanation. everything else is common sense or explained. We need jesus' love b/c we are imperfect and he is perfect, murder ends beautiful life, pedophilia denies children of there right to innocence, free choice, and life. i feel like everything is explain, and then all that it says about homosexuality is don't do it for it is lawlessness. why God, then WHY did you create people who are homosexual? i'm having a very hard time in my life digesting this. and findout a better answer for these poor people. they deserve a better answer than the ones they've been given. i know God loves them. . . but why would he create them to have those feelings they pray everyday to have taken away, and then deny them eternal life when they act on them, just like every hetero sexual would. . .God? i need answers, please.

midnight conversation

i miss midnight conversation. a lot actually. just staying up with someone, and exchanging thoughts, dreams, aspirations, goals, desires, frustrations, and fears. i don't know why but midnight hours seem to bring those conversations more often than daylight does. maybe its because your tired. lol. i don't know. but i miss them, and i enjoy them so much. its like you know you should be sleeping, but you also know that no matter how hard it is to wake up or what you have the next day, every minute of that conversation was so worth it. it was worth it because you connected with another human being in a way that is beyond normal human connection. you've taken a friendship deeper, you've taken a romantic relationship and added the element of intimacy. you've realized, even if just for a moment, that the most important thing in the world is your relationship with the people you love the most, and the moments you share together. maybe these moments are more important to me because "quality time" is my love language, but whatever the case i miss them dearly. those conversations are filled with so much humor, awkwardness, story telling, and star gazing that you can't help but be moved and changed by them. you can't help but see the person you're talking to in a different way. maybe what makes them so amazing is that you shouldn't really be having them at 3 am, but you are just having such a good time you can't stop, you are just so interested in the person either as a friend or a romantic interest that you don't ever want the conversation to end. and when someone finally takes the responsible role and ends the conversation it brings with it grunting, under the breath comments, and reluctant hang ups or hugs goodbye.
so often those conversations reveal internal pain and suffering, as well as hidden secrets or talents. they are the moments filled with tears and laughter. they are the conversations where we drop our refined, put together, confidant personas and become human with our faults our fears, our failures as well as our quirks, and our inside jokies all coming to the for front. they are the moments where humans connect and build one another up, encourage one another in times of suffering. they are moments when people look back and laugh, or where secret ways of saying i love you originate. they are my favorite moments in this life, and i miss them. maybe its because i'm up so late so often by myself. . . ;)
next time you get a midnight moment, don't pass it up. whatever tomorrow holds, let it be in tomorrow and enjoy the midnight while its yours. to often, especially in american society, we rush and don't pause for those moments, we fail to savor them, we fail to appreciate them, HECK we fail to have them. but that's where its at. that's a little bit of what it means to LIVE and not just be ALIVE. live a little

more of god....

i just want to experience god. experience him on a deeper, more real, more honest, more tangible level every single day. i want to see him in a way that no one else has. i want to feel him, in a way that i remember so vividly being touched by him. i want to walk with him next to me, i want to come to a place in my faith where i hear him speaking to me, in a clear voice. i want my relationship with god to be one of intense, passionate intimacy unlike that which the world has ever seen. i want to be so consumed with him that he's a part of everyone of my waking moments. i want him to never be far from my thought, i want to be in a constant communication with the great, perfect, beautiful one that created me. I want him to fulfill me. i want to never again feel abandoned because he is always there, and i not only know that, but its so clear to me that feelings of abandonment can't find there way into my heart and soul. thats it. . . i want my soul to be intertwined with his. i want to sit with him. . . and talk with him. . . i want to bring him into every corner of my heart and let him cleanse me and make a home for himself. i love him, but i want more. i need more than just the love i have right now. i need to be so overwhelmed with love for him that i will stop at nothing to be apart of his existence. god is so good to me. . . he's so on top of my needs. he's go great, i just want more. more of his unconditional affection. . .
i want to go on a journey with jesus christ that is so profound not only am i forever changed and altered, but that change is so dramatic and profound that every person i encounter can't help but experience a piece of my transformation. I want to be so impacted by God that anyone who just looks at me instantly sees that my humaness has been replaced by something not of this world. something so foreign to them that they are forced to stop and wonder what it is. . .i want my eyes to mirrors Jesus'

'Dreaming wide awake'

Dreaming Wide Awake

v1
Dreaming, yet wide awake, falling but never landing
Gravity has no hold here, and reality is unaware of my existence
I’m alone in this moment so unsure and scared
I’m frightened for my life, please rescue me

v2
I’m overwhelmed, and challenged
I’ve fallen down and can’t find the strength to stand back up
I’ve failed to face this weakness, this proof of my humanness
And I’m ashamed to be seen by you as you hang there

v3
Sleep, please overtake me, give me rest from this burden
Give me the hope that tomorrow is a new day
Peace of God find me, peace consume me
This can’t be how this goes, Abba help

chorus
Hold me so close my heartbeat sings the harmony of yours
Tell me you will carry me through,
Let me know you won’t leave me,
Daddy, daddy, daddy, hold me tightly

bridge
Lovely scars of sacrifice
Love me, with all you have to give
Wonderful crimson blood bring life
Jesus, rescue this child

-a fellow daydreamer

gloria a dios

so this is my 3rd attempt at writing something tonight. the first two "takes" were a little personal even for me (:) i guess i'm not ready to be competely candid and opened (which isn't a bad thing at all) but i think that it caused me to think about the importance of having someone in your life who you can trust beyound a shadow of a doubt to be there and to love you through your faults and to love you through your shame, and to love you through you backslidding. i re-realized the importance of having someone who you can share anything with and at the end of your moment of disclosure you are still just as loved, just as protected, just as desirable, and just as wonderful to them. humans need that, humans need at least one other human with whom they can connect with on a level that is deeper than with anyone else. Someone who is many ways' knows them much better than they know even themselves. and i'm not leading into a romance, or a marriage, but of a relationship so deep, so profound that nothing short of death can sever that bond they share. and even in death a piece of the one on earth is taken up with the fallen angel and only returned to the remaining soul upon his own death. humans need a connection, on this earth that is so pure, so unmistakeable beautiful and as close to perfection as humans can achieve in this life. This bond is need so much that God created for Adam, Eve. whether this relationship is formed from two siblings, two best friends, or a man and a wife through a marriage, each human being needs to find this in his/her lifetime. for those that don't already have it, life is such a difficult foe to attack everyday, alone. it becomes nearly impossible to continue and to move forward in lifes storms when you have no one to carry you and to hold you up in your weakest moments. as i grow older i learn more and more about this and who that person is in my life, and how i can be that person to another human being. i learn the importance and necessity of have just one person who knows everything, one person with whom you can be completely raw, unedited, and real with. the one person who when you cry, they cry the same tears and when you laugh, their laugh is the perfect reflexion of your joy. its a beautiful thing, this type of friendship, one i hope each and everyone of you can enjoy, and one i thank god for developing in my even now. . .
-alabanza

midnight ponderings

So, it's nearly two in the morning, yet here i am, up typing, blogging, and writing. exhausted physically yet mental so stimulated sleep is not around the corner. The funny thing about this blog is that i never prepare these scripts. all my entries are unedited and raw, just me word vomiting on a computer screen, i feel the lack of structure and direction more so now than usual. tonight i'm up pondering many things, debating the course of action i am going to take on a number of issues. i'm up praising and fighting God about different things. i'm wide awake, dreaming about my tomorrow and what it holds for me. surprisingly for me, i'm not at all worried, more curious, and lost in and endless wonder. i think i've stopped worrying. maybe because God has provided to many times for me to still worry about trivial things. I dunno. sigh*. . . this human experience . . .it's so intricate and challenging. i wonder sometimes how many other of my fellow humans are up on a regular basis thinking about their lives and the people in them. Thinking about what there future holds, laying in shame, or joy because of decisions they've made. i wonder how many people use these moments in between the active day and dreamfilled sleep to sort through the mess in their minds and find a peace and clarity, find some direction. i know i'm not the only one, but i do wonder if i'm an overactive midnight ponderer. . . .i've lived an interesting, event filled life so far. i know i'm young but i've seen so much of the world, met so many different people, loved to the point of internal devestation. i hope i have a lot of life left in my time here on this earth. . . there are things i still want to do, people i want to love harder, places i want to see, memories that have to be made. . . is this perhaps what self discovery is. these late night ponderings where we catalog our lives events and try to make sense of all that we see, and hear and do? is this just a necessary part of growing up? how can one person be so consumed with so many thoughts. . . i don't even know where to start if i were to disclose all that's on my mind to one person right now. but i do know that once i did, i would go on for hrs sharing all the sturggles, turmoils, excitments, and emotions going through me at once. life is intersting to say the least. i wish i could pause for a moment and step outside of myself and observed what is going on around and within me. perhaps these midnight ponderings are as close to stepping outside of myself as i shall ever be privilegded to experience.
-the end