'Dreaming wide awake'

Dreaming Wide Awake

v1
Dreaming, yet wide awake, falling but never landing
Gravity has no hold here, and reality is unaware of my existence
I’m alone in this moment so unsure and scared
I’m frightened for my life, please rescue me

v2
I’m overwhelmed, and challenged
I’ve fallen down and can’t find the strength to stand back up
I’ve failed to face this weakness, this proof of my humanness
And I’m ashamed to be seen by you as you hang there

v3
Sleep, please overtake me, give me rest from this burden
Give me the hope that tomorrow is a new day
Peace of God find me, peace consume me
This can’t be how this goes, Abba help

chorus
Hold me so close my heartbeat sings the harmony of yours
Tell me you will carry me through,
Let me know you won’t leave me,
Daddy, daddy, daddy, hold me tightly

bridge
Lovely scars of sacrifice
Love me, with all you have to give
Wonderful crimson blood bring life
Jesus, rescue this child

-a fellow daydreamer

gloria a dios

so this is my 3rd attempt at writing something tonight. the first two "takes" were a little personal even for me (:) i guess i'm not ready to be competely candid and opened (which isn't a bad thing at all) but i think that it caused me to think about the importance of having someone in your life who you can trust beyound a shadow of a doubt to be there and to love you through your faults and to love you through your shame, and to love you through you backslidding. i re-realized the importance of having someone who you can share anything with and at the end of your moment of disclosure you are still just as loved, just as protected, just as desirable, and just as wonderful to them. humans need that, humans need at least one other human with whom they can connect with on a level that is deeper than with anyone else. Someone who is many ways' knows them much better than they know even themselves. and i'm not leading into a romance, or a marriage, but of a relationship so deep, so profound that nothing short of death can sever that bond they share. and even in death a piece of the one on earth is taken up with the fallen angel and only returned to the remaining soul upon his own death. humans need a connection, on this earth that is so pure, so unmistakeable beautiful and as close to perfection as humans can achieve in this life. This bond is need so much that God created for Adam, Eve. whether this relationship is formed from two siblings, two best friends, or a man and a wife through a marriage, each human being needs to find this in his/her lifetime. for those that don't already have it, life is such a difficult foe to attack everyday, alone. it becomes nearly impossible to continue and to move forward in lifes storms when you have no one to carry you and to hold you up in your weakest moments. as i grow older i learn more and more about this and who that person is in my life, and how i can be that person to another human being. i learn the importance and necessity of have just one person who knows everything, one person with whom you can be completely raw, unedited, and real with. the one person who when you cry, they cry the same tears and when you laugh, their laugh is the perfect reflexion of your joy. its a beautiful thing, this type of friendship, one i hope each and everyone of you can enjoy, and one i thank god for developing in my even now. . .
-alabanza

midnight ponderings

So, it's nearly two in the morning, yet here i am, up typing, blogging, and writing. exhausted physically yet mental so stimulated sleep is not around the corner. The funny thing about this blog is that i never prepare these scripts. all my entries are unedited and raw, just me word vomiting on a computer screen, i feel the lack of structure and direction more so now than usual. tonight i'm up pondering many things, debating the course of action i am going to take on a number of issues. i'm up praising and fighting God about different things. i'm wide awake, dreaming about my tomorrow and what it holds for me. surprisingly for me, i'm not at all worried, more curious, and lost in and endless wonder. i think i've stopped worrying. maybe because God has provided to many times for me to still worry about trivial things. I dunno. sigh*. . . this human experience . . .it's so intricate and challenging. i wonder sometimes how many other of my fellow humans are up on a regular basis thinking about their lives and the people in them. Thinking about what there future holds, laying in shame, or joy because of decisions they've made. i wonder how many people use these moments in between the active day and dreamfilled sleep to sort through the mess in their minds and find a peace and clarity, find some direction. i know i'm not the only one, but i do wonder if i'm an overactive midnight ponderer. . . .i've lived an interesting, event filled life so far. i know i'm young but i've seen so much of the world, met so many different people, loved to the point of internal devestation. i hope i have a lot of life left in my time here on this earth. . . there are things i still want to do, people i want to love harder, places i want to see, memories that have to be made. . . is this perhaps what self discovery is. these late night ponderings where we catalog our lives events and try to make sense of all that we see, and hear and do? is this just a necessary part of growing up? how can one person be so consumed with so many thoughts. . . i don't even know where to start if i were to disclose all that's on my mind to one person right now. but i do know that once i did, i would go on for hrs sharing all the sturggles, turmoils, excitments, and emotions going through me at once. life is intersting to say the least. i wish i could pause for a moment and step outside of myself and observed what is going on around and within me. perhaps these midnight ponderings are as close to stepping outside of myself as i shall ever be privilegded to experience.
-the end

Well, it's this crazy thing called life.

as i grow older, i can't help but stop, take a breath, and look back over my short life and see how much life i've actually lived. it's amazing how some days it all seems so simple but then something happens and takes your breath away and you're are forced to stop, and start paying closer attention. for me i had one of those days today. it came in the simple voice of someone i love dearly. i made a dreaded phone call to someone who i love more than life but the last time we spoke it was on unfortunate terms. it's the kind of situation where you are both thinking about each other, and you both want things to be back to normal, yet you are both so much afraid of making that phone call that it sits unhandled until somebody, in this case me, bends and does the one thing they wish they didn't have to do. So i made the phone call and by the end of the 1st sentence i was already wishing that i hadn't made the phone call. yet i trudged on. by the end of the conversation one of us was crying and we just had to get off the phone. i would say things were better, yet still very much unresolved. nonetheless, progress was made, even if it was small. after that miserable phone call (the ones that are only five minutes long but feel like much, much longer) i stayied outside and layed down on some nice concrete and just thought. my mind was overwhelmed with emotions. i didn't know who to call, or even if talking to someone was what i needed. (turns out it wasn't) i feel sometimes that life is not what's it's supposed to be because we replace living with business. i think that's why i want out of this country. everything in my world has to be on a schedule. (namely my college graduation date)
it's like, i have one life, why do i want to spend it doing things that i don't have any desire to do. i kknow somethings are necessary for having things like food, a house, etc, but at the same time i feel like i can't ever do the things that i want to do, or be who i would like to be because of the american culture that talks of comfort, success, good lifestyle, tradition, preparing for your future. those are all good things, and i would never tell someone else not to pursue them, but if i have one life to live shouldn't i live it to the fullest. i know it sounds irresponsible, but really, think about it. i believe there is so much truth in that. and i know in order to do a lot of what i want to do i have to work hard, i'm not saying don't work hard. but what are you working hard at? i just feel sometimes like i'm not living the live i was desinged to live, and i'm doing things, not because they are right or wrong but because my society and culture tells me this is what's right and wrong when in reality its not a matter of right or wrong at all. in fact in history the people that had the biggest impact were the ones that did the opposite of society and didn't conform to the normal path of the world and did crazy, risky, remarkable things. and it's not that i want to be remarkable and make history. but i do want to have a remarkable life, where at the end of i can say, i may not have millions of dollars, but i saw everything i wanted. did everything i dreamed. and helped everyone i met.

conflicting passion

to often as i watch videos on youtube of professional performance, i'm astounded. On this planet is so many talented human beings. I am forever grateful for the portal that youtube provides me. Being unable to afford or be in the vicinity of that kind of talent, i'm grateful for the provisions youtube allots to me. That being said, i wonder where i fit into this conglomeration of talent. this web of musical genius. what is my role, how much will i chose to be apart of that world? growing up performing and receiving musical training a seed was planted. not so much a seed, as it as a surge of passion and energy, that is often dormant, but occasionally finds it's outlet and lets lose on my mind, heart, and soul. i can not describe my envy sometimes when i see others performing. i wish i could observe with nothing but grateful eyes, but more often then not i'm consumed with jealously and a desire to be apart of that world. I wonder what it is. is that my calling in life, i don't think so. not because i'm not passionate about it, but i feel that i have other passions that are more constantly overtaking me internally.
now i know a first reaction to statements like these is "you can have more than one passion" and i do. but, to what extent do i persue my talents. i suppose that's part of what everyone has to go through when we set out to "define ourselves" or "figure out who we are." maybe i should focus more on appreciating the fact that i have the option to decide what passion i chose to pursue with my entirety. But maybe my own personal conflict of passions is a bigger issue, the actual issue.
how does one decide which passion he or she is going to dedicate there life to pursuing. is it really possible to pursue two passions with equal vigor, giving both your 110% dedication? if so, how much does one miss out on because they don't believe that to be possible. If not, how much does one miss out on never becoming fully devoted to one thing.
are we supposed to choose one? are we expected to be dedicated to one thing solely? my first answer is of course not. But then why do we so often feel pressure to choose? why do we so often feel so much pressure to decided. why are people given a bad rep. if they are "spread to thin" who decides when you are spread to thin? is it a personal decision or is there really a limit, a recommended dosage of passion
what do you think?

what is family?

family: a social unit living together

i think, as i'm sure most people do, that it is so much more than this. But, what exactly is it? a shared genetic makeup? a shared last name? a father, mother, and their children? what is it exactly? i think its foolish to try and define family as it means so much for so many different people. i'm sure there are numerous amounts of people who live together who don't see themselves as family, even those who share blood, who have the same last name. family can't simply be those things. . . so what is it. as i said i think it's foolish to make an attempt at defining family. that being said, i do think it's an important thing to think about for yourself. . . .what does family mean to you. well, while you think about it, i'm going to tell you what it means to me.
I'm not a big fan of labels. I think that that is a product of my up bringing. i suppose it's weird because i have very structured, organized parents and structure and organization are two of my weakest character traits. for my family, A=A and B=B. for me A=whatever the heck you want it to be. I'm not defined by titles. I think as a culutre, americans like titles. they want to know if you're boyfriend and girlfriend, or just dating. to americans you don't sing, you're a singer. you're an athlete, you're not athletic, you are artistic, you don't just enjoy art. americans like to define everything and are comfortable only when they know what to call something. because of that, names/terms/titles hold a lot of power in our society. i think i make a sub conscious effort to rid myself of that. . . stigma.
for example, i have 11 siblings. . . no i don't i actually only have nine. . . no i actually have 11. see to me sibling isn't limited to what my government issued documents say. i use the term brother, and sister as a means to let people know how much they mean to me. my brother isn't my brother simply because we share blood or because we were raised in the same house with the same parents, my brother is my brother because to me water is runs deeper than blood. now of my 11 siblings only one is biologically, and genetically related to me. the rest, i love, treat, and consider my family. i think that its great when you call some one aunt (insert not genetically related name here) or uncle (repeat previous stated process). i think its crucial to recognize that outside of the confines of genes, that family can is something much greater than genetic codes and similar DNA. to me, family is another type of love. it has nothing to do with gentics or parents. i think, that english as a language is limited in its word choices. We have one word for the most powerful emotion of all, love. To me, family is what i do when i love someone to a greater extent than a best friend, or even a blood relative. family is a word i use to tell people how imporant they are to me, and how much i desire for them to be apart of my life, my world. It's a word for unconditional unwavering love. . . that's what family means to me, what does it mean to you?

interesting. . .

so you want to be a writer

if it doesn’t come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it for money or
fame,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don’t do it.
if it’s hard work just thinking about doing it,
don’t do it.
if you’re trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you’re not ready.

don’t be like so many writers,
don’t be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don’t be dull and boring and
pretentious, don’t be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don’t add to that.
don’t do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don’t do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don’t do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.
-Bukowski