NEW SONGS!

So i was in the music room today with the plan of writing a few new pieces getting some thinking time and some alone time and just some piano pounding time. and i was successful on all accounts. i wrote what is possibly my favorite song so far today. it's probably the most simple in its arrangment and melody but it just speaks so clearly what my relationship with God has been this past year. its hopefully not self-indulgent and precocious and just honest and genuine that's the point. each line has a specific story behind it but it somehow flows together so nicely which i'm very happy about :)

Moments:

I'm a wander in spirit and in body
Never in one place for long
Yet somehow you found me
You met me where i was at
Fork in the road and to tired to choose a path
So you just sat down and talked with me

Son, please come home
I've been missing you
I see your broken
Please let me fix you

You piece me back together
All my rejection and shattered parts
You made me so much more beautiful
Than ever i was.

Now i can dance freely around this place
Grace falling down around me
Amazing love how can this be happening to me
For the first time I'm finally free. .. to be

Here in this moment
I surrender my heart completely
I'm letting go of me
Please have all of me

You're enraptured
You're captivated
You're astounded
Somehow forever
in love with me
in love with me
in love with me

Friends for Family?

So, as i'm starting to "grow up" and moving closer towards being a full-fledged adult and watching the friends i have get married, have kids, graduate college, start college, start careers start new majors, start taking leadership roles. . . i'm beginning to realize something. . . the importance of having strong friends. as i started to look around and observe the people in my life there a those that jump out in my mind as people i will only know for a short while longer and those that i will know for years to come, then there are those that my kids will fondly refer to as "aunt" and "uncle'' despite the lack of appropriate government legalization.
I'm also starting to realize what it means to have and maintain those types of friendships. People that will be there when my family can't afford to pay the mortgage, to be there when we are at the hospital losing someone dear to us, be there to help my own children (God willing) navigate there way through life and offer advice and love where me or my wife (again god willing) can't. There are those people that will be so influential in my life i will make sure my kids know there kids just b/c i know they'll raise amazing young people up. it's the difference between people that will come to my wedding and then the people that will also come to my childrens wedding. it's the people that i'll move mountains just to make an annual visit. there are the men in my life that i would call if i needing counseling and then the men who would call me before i needed it and help me through a tough time.
i must say when i look through my facebook friends list i have nearly 700 people as friends. this is a hefty number especially considering less than one year ago i delete 500 people. i think in this age of instant gratification and instant happiness, instant communication it's good to stop and think for a moment about the people that you'd keep in your life if all we could do to communicate was utilize snail mail. the people that you'd drive to see if you couldn't afford plane tickets. it's the people that (i know it's a disney channel cliche) maybe AREN'T near your house and that you CAN'T see everyday or . . . every year. but it's the people that have found there way into your heart and that rest heavy there.
find out who those people in your life are and do what you can no matter what it is to make sure you keep those people in your life.

1st SONG POST!!

Do you ever have those moments where you reconnect with someone. Like a sibling or an old friend. someone who at one point you were very close with and times just took you in different paths. yet you have the opportunity to reconnect. only this time that reconnection isn't a good one. the person isn't who they used to be. in fact they are much much worse than who they were or who you remember them being. or is there that friend that ALWAYS coming to you with difficult life stuff and you're just tired and weary from listening. you are the one they can always count on, but it's just to much. either the news is to heavy or you feel like you've carried to much of there burden in the past to listen to more. and you basically just want a break. life hasn't been kind to them or they've made big mistakes. your heart hurts for them. alot. you want to be supportive and be the listening ear but you just can't. it's to painful. well i wrote a song about it. about wanting things to be the way they were. wanting all those things you dreamed about together as kids to have come true and then realizing . . . they aren't. . . it's the first set of lyics i'm releasing to the public!! i hope in resonates with you guys!!


You’re not the same

Please, don’t tell me your story
I just can’t hear what happened
I know that you’re only human
But so am I

I knew you before
I knew a different person
I’m not saying I don’t love you anymore
But some things have definitely changed


Life takes us different ways
People rarely stay the same
Change isn’t always good
People never stay the same

Come sit down and talk to me
Lets remember times gone by
No really I can’t hear it
Please don’t try

I’m sorry I can’t be there for you
I’m sorry I can’t listen
I really wish I could help you
But it hurts me to bad

I will sit with you
Just sit with me
I will hold on tight
Please hold on tight

Just know I love you
Even though I won’t listen
Remember I love you

when will i get my miracle?

So. . . i'm up. watching FRIENDS (per-usual) facebook chatting, thinking about a girl, and journalling to myself. . . and now apparently writing to you, all my faithful followers. i decided a few days ago, that i should just write . . . alot this fall. i mean. . . ihave nothing to lose. i think i want like an 11 track record, but i think i'm going to write like 30 poems/songs/etc for this CD. just word vomit sometimes, rant and rave, and pray and record those thoughts. i realize that great ideas for lyrics come and go, but every once in a while i flash of brillance over takes me LoL and i usually am no where near a pen and paper and if i am (say in class) i'll jot it down quickly and lose it inevitably. sometimes i'll send myself text messages then forget about them and delete them. i wonder. . . so often artist are the most unorganzied people, how many works of greatest have jsut been lost in the hustle and disarray of our scattered lives? so tonight i'm up just chilling, trying to remember those feels i had earlier this year and recapture some of those moments. . . triumph and darkness. . . wish me luck. . .

Fall.Hugs&Coffee

So it finally begins. The 1st live studio album of . . . well me. . . It starts now, well i suppose it's been a work in progress but the wheels have started turning again, my lyrical writes block has passed and i'm back on track to getting an album out. . . finally...granted it's going to be at least one year in the works, but progress is in fact being made. I feel as though i've gone through so much since my last post in august. so much that i've thought about, and so much that i've written about. So much that needs to be processed through my passion for music and it's something that i most definitely want to share with you. my friends and family. It's going to be epic but in a subtle way. Small production yet giant messages about what it is i've been experiencing and learning. It's going to be largely acoustic because the focus is on the message the music is simply the vessel that is going to be bringing these messages to you. I'm excited, scared to share some of what it is i'll be sharing. but feeling as though i want to share my life experience with others and know that this pain i've come through is largely pointless if i keep it to myself. So. . . it starts now. this is the first official public statement (by public i do in fact mean the 3 of you that read this LOL) but it's a start. So please encourage me in this process. i've started recording projects on several previous occassions and i've even recorded several tiems before. but i feel as though i've come to a place in my life and a place in my voice and my depth that it makes sense to do this. to RECORD and save for eternity what it is i'm experiencing. Sometiems good ideas are great ideas but "now" isnt' when it's time to share those ideas. I've always loved singing but that doesn't mean i've sung well enough to record songs. you have to be able to vocal get a message across as well as artistically. i will always have growth but i feel now is a perfect time to start. The album title is simply yet original. Fall.hugs&coffee for various reasons i'll explain later. but i hope to update those of you who care and are interested when updates permit themselves. maybe some lyrics here and there. maybe some demo's. .. . we'll see how it plays out put i thank you for partaking of this journey with me. it's going to be awesome!

LOVE: the greatest for lettered word

Loving people is the greatest things we can achieve as humans, after loving God. It is the way that we can most imitate God, because God is Love. He loves humanity unconditionally and irrevocably. Thus, if we can find it in our hearts to love humans we have achieve the second greatest calling as humans.
I am beginning to realize in my own life what it means to love other humans, and how that love manifests itself in me. It's incredible what kind of opportunities present themselves when we go out of our way and let someone have a piece of our heart without condition. so often in our society we are taught to protect our heart. I'm not speaking in terms of romantic love either (darn english language) i'm speaking in unconditional, non romantic love for another human. a self-sacrificing love. one that is stronger than emotions and goes deeper than feelings. It is a love of action. a love of sacrifice. Sure you will feel, but this is a fruit sown from the love, not the love itself. but when we can manage as humans to find a way to allow other humans control of our love, amazing things can start to happen. Walls surrounding the hearts of other people will start to be broken down. Defenses will be lowerd, and lives can truely start to be effected. You can share encouraging words and they won't fall on deaf ears. It's very difficult to not love someone who loves you unconditionally as christ did. isn't that why christianity is so different. our God loves us and sacrificed everything important so that we would know his love for us and be able to commune with him.
as i get older (though i'm still very young and have much to learn) i am learning what it means for me to love. i am learning how that looks. . . and it hurts. . . .a lot. . . when you love people recklessly, they have the ability to hurt you, and damage you. and oftentimes, they will. and because your love is unconditional you can't help but continue to love them. that's when you know the depth of your love. when they stop treating you well and instead treat you poorly and you still only love them more. it's realizing that they dont love you nearly as much as you love them, yet that doesnt change the amount of love you have for them. Its continuing to be invovled in there life even though the seemingly have no desire to be invovled in yours. its staying up at night praying for them, and pleading on there behalf before God when they only see you as a nucance. . . that is unconditional love. its having your heart stripped raw, and then beaten and bruised to the point of exhaustion and destruction and still, getting up, picking up the peices and continuing to pursue after them with a passionate desire to show them your love.
we are called to love as christ has loved, and he never gives up on people, he never stops pursing people, he never stops telling people he loves them. he forgives those who beat him. he loves those who persecute him. that's not something my culture teaches me to do. . . at all. my culture tells me the opposite. . . society says to leave those people in the dust, because you don't need them. but my God has a very different message.
he says to wait right behind them and when they fall to pick them up, and when they hit you, you continue to stand behind them and when they cry out for help you will still be there.
that is the kind of love that i want to exhibt. the kind that i want to showcase to the world because its the love God has called me to hvae for people.
yes it hurts. because people don't always stay in your life forever, but i will stay up everynight and pray for those that stay forever in my mind. God give me strength

unaswered crying

Here are the thoughts and feelings of gay High School boy. The boy jason is another gay boy who is his boyfriend. both christian/catholics struggling with how they are to deal with their religion and there homosexuality.
Put you defenses down, and just listen to this young boys prayer to God, and his pleas to humanity. don't try to defend God cause he doesn't need your help, just listen, learn and be challegened and ask God at the end what he says, what he speaks to you about this. we can't keep ignoring it. as christians i feel we are called to a higher standard than this.

Everything's an act when your pleasing everyone, and he assumes that role to such renown. he plays the perfect part, straight from his heart, knowing the risk he takes and hoping that the house is not brought down
the role of a lifetime is living a fantasy, a drama that you struggle to erase, thoughts battle words over deeds a war with such causalities, are played out behind a smiling face
God i need your guidance, tell me what it means, to live a life where nothings as it seems. spending days in silent fear, and spending nights in lonely prayer, hoping that one day when you wake those feelings wont be there.
so confused because i'm complete with him, when were alone it all somehow makes sense, look into his eyes for some compromise, remember the word forget, and try to bury something so intense
you learn to play the straight your lines become routine, never really saying what you mean, but i know this scene will change white picket fences and a dog, a trohpy bride and children, God i know that's what he wants. But jason what role do i play, am i savior or a phase am i here to damn you or to help you navigate this maze.
where confusion is a crime, so you fill your life with sound and if you dance like hell you hope you'll never touch the ground. what happens when the music stops, in this silence will he stay!? one day you'll realize that these feelings aren't going away. so we drive ourselves insane, spinning circles in our souls, as we dance around and play pretend. and once again reprise our roles. . .

what answers does the church have for these people. what answers does the Bible offer. So many homosexual people struggle with there lives everyday because they would give anything to be different, but they just aren't. How do we cater to them as christian friends and family? telling them that if they really pray enough the feelings they were born with and hate will go away? why do we feed them that? why do we pretend to have easy answers to such an incredibly difficult thing. we tell them its a sin, and if they act on it, they are damned to hell. we tell them its the same disgusting thing as pedophilia, and murder. how can we do that. these young christian people dying for answers, begging God to be different, asking him why he created them that way if they are then damned to hell for acting on the feelings they can't change. They are damned to a life without romance, without being able to tell some people how much they love them. Not being able to be physically intimate. and we christians who don't struggle with it can never offer up a solution, and in my experience and through what i've seen, we rarely even offer up support. if there is one thing in the scripture i struggle with daily its homosexuality. why, why is it a sin? why is it "destructive" and what are homosexuals supposed to do. i know what the scriptures say, i've read them, i've been taught them, so please don't just quote scripture, unless of coures that's all the answer we have for them. The Bible says so. . .the end no explanation. everything else is common sense or explained. We need jesus' love b/c we are imperfect and he is perfect, murder ends beautiful life, pedophilia denies children of there right to innocence, free choice, and life. i feel like everything is explain, and then all that it says about homosexuality is don't do it for it is lawlessness. why God, then WHY did you create people who are homosexual? i'm having a very hard time in my life digesting this. and findout a better answer for these poor people. they deserve a better answer than the ones they've been given. i know God loves them. . . but why would he create them to have those feelings they pray everyday to have taken away, and then deny them eternal life when they act on them, just like every hetero sexual would. . .God? i need answers, please.