Bobby

Bobby:

He walked into the downtown coffee shop I always stop at to do my homework
Standing at about 5’11’ with blonde hair and a fair complexion and if I say without appearing to judge him, he had surprisingly nice teeth
There were no empty seats save the one directly across from the small table I was sitting at
I noticed him, but pretend to remain preoccupied while simultaneously petrified that he might actually try and share my table. And I wasn’t at all surprised when the guys next words word were:
“hey man. .. . Can I sit here”
And in my head I’m like “oh dear” but instead what he hears is “oh for sure”
And he sits. . . . And he sips.. . . And I refuse to open my lips. ..
And my gosh was it awkward. . .

His name was “Bobby” and in all honesty he was a bit strange. Not the I’m afraid for my life type, or keep away from my wife type, more like the quiet socially awkward type, that makes you wanna re-write the handbook for social interactions because its clearly not in a language he’s comprehending type long stares with almost creepy glares type, yet underneath it all he’s the ridiculously nice type would do anything for anyone type and you wanna punch yourself in the face type for ever thinking anything less of him type.

Anyway, we got to talking and I mean real deep one on one I get to know you you get to know me as one talking and he’s not just nice, but he’s funny, and he’s really smart. Like we were talking everything from Plato, areo, to the ancient pharoahs and I had to rack my brain and dig through my strained thousand dollar education just to try and hold my half of the conversation

And we were laughing and we were interacting, and I started asking about him. And if he had a wife or where was he at in life, cause in his eyes I could see years of strife, and his face was a place without a lot of grace shown to him by those who to quickly condemned him . And he got real serious. And he said, I’m normal really I am, in every way but one. . . . And yeah its sad but these are the facts I’m plagued by panic attacks. . . I can’t hold a job and I can’t finish a class, the hospital bed that’s where I crash 8 times in three years with a heartbeat that tears through my darkest fears and leaves me at the mercy of transitory housing waiting for the day where I wake up and some says “hey its okay” and the goes out of there way to show me a different way. But I’m ok. . . .

He then went on to lay out his days out of this slow decay. He has dreams and one day wants to see his kids beam back at him while his wife leans against him and he’ll just soak it all in. and he talked about community, and settling down in a place where people know your face and care enough to know your case and help you as you face your adversity a place with a lot of diversity. He like my hair, and that I didn’t seem to care even though we both knew he wasn’t 100% there. And I like bobby, because he told me without telling me what it means to live in true community he reminded me that everybody is a somebody and that sometimes you find life’s greatest secret in a place where somebody else keeps it. And you might have to dig, and you might have to live a little outside your normal life but its ok, be surprised feel alive and let someone in a little deeper, and have no fear because in there you’ll see clear that what’s real here is heart to open heart face to face and eyes full of grace is what needs to have a place here in this time and this place so lets go create this place, we’ll call it earth and maybe one day through God’s grace it can be a safe space

-no title yet-

I reached out to help you up
And in my hands was everything I could offer.
Like all of me, and then some
I wanted life for you, I wanted love for you
All I did was love you past your unlovable parts
And I opened up my arms
Tried to embrace you into myself
Where it was safe
But You pushed me away
My cries for your life fell on the deaf ears of your heartbeat
And I was unable to tear down the walls that kept the noise out
Unable to play any sort of melody on your heartstrings
I tried again and again but I couldn’t produce any sound worth listening to
Nothing beautiful enough for you to stop, take notice of, and listen to
Your life was falling apart and I scrambled to use what was left of me
To keep you together, to keep us together
But I am only me and that’s hardly enough for all of you
As you broke I broke
And we lie here in pieces separate in all the important places
Like sand you can’t find the parts that fit together
And I don’t even know if there is enough left to put us back together
Not enough of me, and not enough of you
But maybe together there is enough for one
My hands, your arms, my legs your feet
Your heart and my lungs
Maybe we can salvage enough that it matters
Challenge ourselves to find something about us
Something we could salvage and bring to the surface
And somehow move through this
Otherwise you’ve lost all of you and I’ve given up all of me
And at the end we are finished
And there is nothing left of us.
So maybe before you push me away again
Before you walks away from me again
Before you leave my love again
Give us a chance,
Don’t give up on me, and I won’t give up on you
Please, I love you, so take my love
I know it can’t fill you, but maybe
It’s enough so you can stand

If God made the world

God made the world and
Saw that it was good. . .
I look at my world sometimes and think
Maybe God was blind
Last night the stars made love to me
Visually indescribably love so
I won’t waste time trying to explain it to you
But it was the kind of love that
Holds onto you like it’s the last time it’ll see you
And it’s a sad day when nothing on earths love you
So the stars have to take notice
And step down from there heavenly beds of midnight
just so someone can kiss you goodnight

God made the world and saw that it was good
But in my world I’m nearly drowned by my pasts
That won’t let me go their grasps leave me gasping for breaths
That I can not breathe because my lungs are to strung out on the ecstasy
Of my life’s horror stories my own personal history
Ugly because it hasn’t been washed clean since a time so long I can’t even remember
And my today life lives in those past lives and I fester in it
Fester in the stench of regret
How many of us reek of Should of’s, could of’s and would of’s
How many of us suffer at dominating hand of anxiety
Is tomorrow really a new day
How can it be when all that matters is todays memory of yesterday
And we remember, and 3 years later to the day we remember
And 30 years from now we will still remember
and while we held up at the gunpoint of those memories we resist help like its bad cough medicine Spit it out of the mouth of reality
And we try so hard to shake off let go of and remove the hands
The hands that are trying so hard to hold on to us
And pull us up and help us breathe again
Remember our lungs have forgotten how to breathe again
Stop. Take deep breathes and feel the crisp cold of the past
Come into your insides knowing it might not be fine
But let it in and see what happens
So I let it in. and ran and I ran underneath a thick
Downy blanket of midnight
Tucked underneath a comforter of stars and lulled to sleep by
The silent melody of two am
And I ran, and the I tried breathing again
And like riding a bicycle for the first time in years
My lungs could breathe again and
And the crisp harsh bitter winters of my past came in
like a flood they overwhelmed me
And like a storm they destroyed me
And like a rape they took advantage of me and left hopeless
And I couldn’t stand tall hopeless so fell to the ground
And made bitter love to the concrete with my tears
because even though it was hard and cold at least I could feel the concrete
And I hated everything I was and everything I was I hate
And I was hate and my hate was shoved into my face
And I couldn’t for the life of me escape and I was stuck between
Hate which was me and the concrete underneath drowned in pain
And a lack overcame me, and I found I had amounted to nothing

God made the world and saw that it was good
But I looked at my life and saw that I had been stripped until
I was just a naked corpse of nothing shamefully lying in my brokenness
And I don’t know how else to say it, but
I was empty and I know I’m not alone,
Because I’m staring at your eyes and I can see me staring back at me
You’re just a reflection of the me I was then
And our tomorrows were disappearing one after another
To quick to grab and hold onto
Dreams to far away to hold out for and cling to

You see,
sometimes I think we’re not to hard to define
We hid from all the things that make us human.
Sometimes I think we are just afraid to feel what feeling actually feels like
Because we’re sacred. . . We’re scared of leaving the masquerade behind us
Afraid of what’s actually beneath us
Beneath all the “I’m fine” responses, and make it on my own anthems
We are empty.

But,
Only one thing fills me, and it’s greater than me,
And in his weakest way he is stronger than my weakest point of me
And in my endless emptiness he is endlessly limitless
I let God fill me because without I’ve seen that I’m completely
Irrevocably empty of everything I used to say was me
See God made the world and God made me
And he has yet to leave me
And when I finally found him
I realized he had already found me
So I never had to fear being empty

word games

Lets talk about this beautiful thing called justice
I have a theory. And it goes like this
There is no such thing as justice
There is just what is just, and then there is what’s left. . . . that’s us
And together we are really just us, you and me decisions left to be decided
so be careful what decision you decide
because whatever you decided that's the decision you make
and what you make you create and what you create you represent
and what you represent becomes what you are
so decide carefully what you are and who you want to decide to be
because that is who you are
and who you are will fight for what you believe
so believe in what is just
and then "we" can become "us" and maybe eventually even though we are just us
we can become a little more like justice
so my theory begs the question. . . .
what decision will you make? who will you become? what will you fight for? what will you die for?
because between you and i . . . . we are nothing more than just us. . . . . humans fighting for justice

Update. . .

So. . . per-usual, i'm up far to late. But i suppose i can't help it when the inspiration hits. i wrote another song tonight, and i am pleased to announce that i have finished writing 6 songs for this specific project. i'm very excited about it. Some fine tuning needs to happen on all of them, but they are each about 90% of the way finished and that is the hard part. I'm very excited. i'm getting more organized in my thoughts and what not and that too is very exciting.
However, the theme of this project has shifted. without me making attempts to and in some ways inspite of me trying to. I was hoping this project would be more hopeful, and full of joy but it has definitely taking on a very sombering feel. It's a very dark sound and even though the lyrics are . . . positive. . . maybe. . . the themes behind them are fairly harsh. But i suppose maybe that's more realistic. perhaps the next project will be me coming out on the other side of whatever it is i'm in the middle of right now. all in all the project (the actual assemblying of the songs part) is about 70% of the way done. now i've never played the songs for people and i haven't figured out (even in my head) all the musical arrangements but a lot of that will happen starting in summer of 2011 after my YEAR ABROAD!!!! but i want to get all the material written before b/c i think it's important for me to have these moments cataloged. I might start recording as soon as June of THIS year b/c i want to get SOMETHING started and see how it all sounds and what not. perhaps i'll release a "single" to the five of you who follow me ;)
the point of this post was to inform everyone that the title of the CD will be changing, the Fall, Hugs, and Coffee theme will be taking a back seat in leu of the change in theme. the Project is going in a different direction and with that the title and overall outlook on this project will be changing as well. i love you all and goodnight :)

NEW SONGS!

So i was in the music room today with the plan of writing a few new pieces getting some thinking time and some alone time and just some piano pounding time. and i was successful on all accounts. i wrote what is possibly my favorite song so far today. it's probably the most simple in its arrangment and melody but it just speaks so clearly what my relationship with God has been this past year. its hopefully not self-indulgent and precocious and just honest and genuine that's the point. each line has a specific story behind it but it somehow flows together so nicely which i'm very happy about :)

Moments:

I'm a wander in spirit and in body
Never in one place for long
Yet somehow you found me
You met me where i was at
Fork in the road and to tired to choose a path
So you just sat down and talked with me

Son, please come home
I've been missing you
I see your broken
Please let me fix you

You piece me back together
All my rejection and shattered parts
You made me so much more beautiful
Than ever i was.

Now i can dance freely around this place
Grace falling down around me
Amazing love how can this be happening to me
For the first time I'm finally free. .. to be

Here in this moment
I surrender my heart completely
I'm letting go of me
Please have all of me

You're enraptured
You're captivated
You're astounded
Somehow forever
in love with me
in love with me
in love with me

Friends for Family?

So, as i'm starting to "grow up" and moving closer towards being a full-fledged adult and watching the friends i have get married, have kids, graduate college, start college, start careers start new majors, start taking leadership roles. . . i'm beginning to realize something. . . the importance of having strong friends. as i started to look around and observe the people in my life there a those that jump out in my mind as people i will only know for a short while longer and those that i will know for years to come, then there are those that my kids will fondly refer to as "aunt" and "uncle'' despite the lack of appropriate government legalization.
I'm also starting to realize what it means to have and maintain those types of friendships. People that will be there when my family can't afford to pay the mortgage, to be there when we are at the hospital losing someone dear to us, be there to help my own children (God willing) navigate there way through life and offer advice and love where me or my wife (again god willing) can't. There are those people that will be so influential in my life i will make sure my kids know there kids just b/c i know they'll raise amazing young people up. it's the difference between people that will come to my wedding and then the people that will also come to my childrens wedding. it's the people that i'll move mountains just to make an annual visit. there are the men in my life that i would call if i needing counseling and then the men who would call me before i needed it and help me through a tough time.
i must say when i look through my facebook friends list i have nearly 700 people as friends. this is a hefty number especially considering less than one year ago i delete 500 people. i think in this age of instant gratification and instant happiness, instant communication it's good to stop and think for a moment about the people that you'd keep in your life if all we could do to communicate was utilize snail mail. the people that you'd drive to see if you couldn't afford plane tickets. it's the people that (i know it's a disney channel cliche) maybe AREN'T near your house and that you CAN'T see everyday or . . . every year. but it's the people that have found there way into your heart and that rest heavy there.
find out who those people in your life are and do what you can no matter what it is to make sure you keep those people in your life.

1st SONG POST!!

Do you ever have those moments where you reconnect with someone. Like a sibling or an old friend. someone who at one point you were very close with and times just took you in different paths. yet you have the opportunity to reconnect. only this time that reconnection isn't a good one. the person isn't who they used to be. in fact they are much much worse than who they were or who you remember them being. or is there that friend that ALWAYS coming to you with difficult life stuff and you're just tired and weary from listening. you are the one they can always count on, but it's just to much. either the news is to heavy or you feel like you've carried to much of there burden in the past to listen to more. and you basically just want a break. life hasn't been kind to them or they've made big mistakes. your heart hurts for them. alot. you want to be supportive and be the listening ear but you just can't. it's to painful. well i wrote a song about it. about wanting things to be the way they were. wanting all those things you dreamed about together as kids to have come true and then realizing . . . they aren't. . . it's the first set of lyics i'm releasing to the public!! i hope in resonates with you guys!!


You’re not the same

Please, don’t tell me your story
I just can’t hear what happened
I know that you’re only human
But so am I

I knew you before
I knew a different person
I’m not saying I don’t love you anymore
But some things have definitely changed


Life takes us different ways
People rarely stay the same
Change isn’t always good
People never stay the same

Come sit down and talk to me
Lets remember times gone by
No really I can’t hear it
Please don’t try

I’m sorry I can’t be there for you
I’m sorry I can’t listen
I really wish I could help you
But it hurts me to bad

I will sit with you
Just sit with me
I will hold on tight
Please hold on tight

Just know I love you
Even though I won’t listen
Remember I love you

when will i get my miracle?

So. . . i'm up. watching FRIENDS (per-usual) facebook chatting, thinking about a girl, and journalling to myself. . . and now apparently writing to you, all my faithful followers. i decided a few days ago, that i should just write . . . alot this fall. i mean. . . ihave nothing to lose. i think i want like an 11 track record, but i think i'm going to write like 30 poems/songs/etc for this CD. just word vomit sometimes, rant and rave, and pray and record those thoughts. i realize that great ideas for lyrics come and go, but every once in a while i flash of brillance over takes me LoL and i usually am no where near a pen and paper and if i am (say in class) i'll jot it down quickly and lose it inevitably. sometimes i'll send myself text messages then forget about them and delete them. i wonder. . . so often artist are the most unorganzied people, how many works of greatest have jsut been lost in the hustle and disarray of our scattered lives? so tonight i'm up just chilling, trying to remember those feels i had earlier this year and recapture some of those moments. . . triumph and darkness. . . wish me luck. . .

Fall.Hugs&Coffee

So it finally begins. The 1st live studio album of . . . well me. . . It starts now, well i suppose it's been a work in progress but the wheels have started turning again, my lyrical writes block has passed and i'm back on track to getting an album out. . . finally...granted it's going to be at least one year in the works, but progress is in fact being made. I feel as though i've gone through so much since my last post in august. so much that i've thought about, and so much that i've written about. So much that needs to be processed through my passion for music and it's something that i most definitely want to share with you. my friends and family. It's going to be epic but in a subtle way. Small production yet giant messages about what it is i've been experiencing and learning. It's going to be largely acoustic because the focus is on the message the music is simply the vessel that is going to be bringing these messages to you. I'm excited, scared to share some of what it is i'll be sharing. but feeling as though i want to share my life experience with others and know that this pain i've come through is largely pointless if i keep it to myself. So. . . it starts now. this is the first official public statement (by public i do in fact mean the 3 of you that read this LOL) but it's a start. So please encourage me in this process. i've started recording projects on several previous occassions and i've even recorded several tiems before. but i feel as though i've come to a place in my life and a place in my voice and my depth that it makes sense to do this. to RECORD and save for eternity what it is i'm experiencing. Sometiems good ideas are great ideas but "now" isnt' when it's time to share those ideas. I've always loved singing but that doesn't mean i've sung well enough to record songs. you have to be able to vocal get a message across as well as artistically. i will always have growth but i feel now is a perfect time to start. The album title is simply yet original. Fall.hugs&coffee for various reasons i'll explain later. but i hope to update those of you who care and are interested when updates permit themselves. maybe some lyrics here and there. maybe some demo's. .. . we'll see how it plays out put i thank you for partaking of this journey with me. it's going to be awesome!

LOVE: the greatest for lettered word

Loving people is the greatest things we can achieve as humans, after loving God. It is the way that we can most imitate God, because God is Love. He loves humanity unconditionally and irrevocably. Thus, if we can find it in our hearts to love humans we have achieve the second greatest calling as humans.
I am beginning to realize in my own life what it means to love other humans, and how that love manifests itself in me. It's incredible what kind of opportunities present themselves when we go out of our way and let someone have a piece of our heart without condition. so often in our society we are taught to protect our heart. I'm not speaking in terms of romantic love either (darn english language) i'm speaking in unconditional, non romantic love for another human. a self-sacrificing love. one that is stronger than emotions and goes deeper than feelings. It is a love of action. a love of sacrifice. Sure you will feel, but this is a fruit sown from the love, not the love itself. but when we can manage as humans to find a way to allow other humans control of our love, amazing things can start to happen. Walls surrounding the hearts of other people will start to be broken down. Defenses will be lowerd, and lives can truely start to be effected. You can share encouraging words and they won't fall on deaf ears. It's very difficult to not love someone who loves you unconditionally as christ did. isn't that why christianity is so different. our God loves us and sacrificed everything important so that we would know his love for us and be able to commune with him.
as i get older (though i'm still very young and have much to learn) i am learning what it means for me to love. i am learning how that looks. . . and it hurts. . . .a lot. . . when you love people recklessly, they have the ability to hurt you, and damage you. and oftentimes, they will. and because your love is unconditional you can't help but continue to love them. that's when you know the depth of your love. when they stop treating you well and instead treat you poorly and you still only love them more. it's realizing that they dont love you nearly as much as you love them, yet that doesnt change the amount of love you have for them. Its continuing to be invovled in there life even though the seemingly have no desire to be invovled in yours. its staying up at night praying for them, and pleading on there behalf before God when they only see you as a nucance. . . that is unconditional love. its having your heart stripped raw, and then beaten and bruised to the point of exhaustion and destruction and still, getting up, picking up the peices and continuing to pursue after them with a passionate desire to show them your love.
we are called to love as christ has loved, and he never gives up on people, he never stops pursing people, he never stops telling people he loves them. he forgives those who beat him. he loves those who persecute him. that's not something my culture teaches me to do. . . at all. my culture tells me the opposite. . . society says to leave those people in the dust, because you don't need them. but my God has a very different message.
he says to wait right behind them and when they fall to pick them up, and when they hit you, you continue to stand behind them and when they cry out for help you will still be there.
that is the kind of love that i want to exhibt. the kind that i want to showcase to the world because its the love God has called me to hvae for people.
yes it hurts. because people don't always stay in your life forever, but i will stay up everynight and pray for those that stay forever in my mind. God give me strength

unaswered crying

Here are the thoughts and feelings of gay High School boy. The boy jason is another gay boy who is his boyfriend. both christian/catholics struggling with how they are to deal with their religion and there homosexuality.
Put you defenses down, and just listen to this young boys prayer to God, and his pleas to humanity. don't try to defend God cause he doesn't need your help, just listen, learn and be challegened and ask God at the end what he says, what he speaks to you about this. we can't keep ignoring it. as christians i feel we are called to a higher standard than this.

Everything's an act when your pleasing everyone, and he assumes that role to such renown. he plays the perfect part, straight from his heart, knowing the risk he takes and hoping that the house is not brought down
the role of a lifetime is living a fantasy, a drama that you struggle to erase, thoughts battle words over deeds a war with such causalities, are played out behind a smiling face
God i need your guidance, tell me what it means, to live a life where nothings as it seems. spending days in silent fear, and spending nights in lonely prayer, hoping that one day when you wake those feelings wont be there.
so confused because i'm complete with him, when were alone it all somehow makes sense, look into his eyes for some compromise, remember the word forget, and try to bury something so intense
you learn to play the straight your lines become routine, never really saying what you mean, but i know this scene will change white picket fences and a dog, a trohpy bride and children, God i know that's what he wants. But jason what role do i play, am i savior or a phase am i here to damn you or to help you navigate this maze.
where confusion is a crime, so you fill your life with sound and if you dance like hell you hope you'll never touch the ground. what happens when the music stops, in this silence will he stay!? one day you'll realize that these feelings aren't going away. so we drive ourselves insane, spinning circles in our souls, as we dance around and play pretend. and once again reprise our roles. . .

what answers does the church have for these people. what answers does the Bible offer. So many homosexual people struggle with there lives everyday because they would give anything to be different, but they just aren't. How do we cater to them as christian friends and family? telling them that if they really pray enough the feelings they were born with and hate will go away? why do we feed them that? why do we pretend to have easy answers to such an incredibly difficult thing. we tell them its a sin, and if they act on it, they are damned to hell. we tell them its the same disgusting thing as pedophilia, and murder. how can we do that. these young christian people dying for answers, begging God to be different, asking him why he created them that way if they are then damned to hell for acting on the feelings they can't change. They are damned to a life without romance, without being able to tell some people how much they love them. Not being able to be physically intimate. and we christians who don't struggle with it can never offer up a solution, and in my experience and through what i've seen, we rarely even offer up support. if there is one thing in the scripture i struggle with daily its homosexuality. why, why is it a sin? why is it "destructive" and what are homosexuals supposed to do. i know what the scriptures say, i've read them, i've been taught them, so please don't just quote scripture, unless of coures that's all the answer we have for them. The Bible says so. . .the end no explanation. everything else is common sense or explained. We need jesus' love b/c we are imperfect and he is perfect, murder ends beautiful life, pedophilia denies children of there right to innocence, free choice, and life. i feel like everything is explain, and then all that it says about homosexuality is don't do it for it is lawlessness. why God, then WHY did you create people who are homosexual? i'm having a very hard time in my life digesting this. and findout a better answer for these poor people. they deserve a better answer than the ones they've been given. i know God loves them. . . but why would he create them to have those feelings they pray everyday to have taken away, and then deny them eternal life when they act on them, just like every hetero sexual would. . .God? i need answers, please.

midnight conversation

i miss midnight conversation. a lot actually. just staying up with someone, and exchanging thoughts, dreams, aspirations, goals, desires, frustrations, and fears. i don't know why but midnight hours seem to bring those conversations more often than daylight does. maybe its because your tired. lol. i don't know. but i miss them, and i enjoy them so much. its like you know you should be sleeping, but you also know that no matter how hard it is to wake up or what you have the next day, every minute of that conversation was so worth it. it was worth it because you connected with another human being in a way that is beyond normal human connection. you've taken a friendship deeper, you've taken a romantic relationship and added the element of intimacy. you've realized, even if just for a moment, that the most important thing in the world is your relationship with the people you love the most, and the moments you share together. maybe these moments are more important to me because "quality time" is my love language, but whatever the case i miss them dearly. those conversations are filled with so much humor, awkwardness, story telling, and star gazing that you can't help but be moved and changed by them. you can't help but see the person you're talking to in a different way. maybe what makes them so amazing is that you shouldn't really be having them at 3 am, but you are just having such a good time you can't stop, you are just so interested in the person either as a friend or a romantic interest that you don't ever want the conversation to end. and when someone finally takes the responsible role and ends the conversation it brings with it grunting, under the breath comments, and reluctant hang ups or hugs goodbye.
so often those conversations reveal internal pain and suffering, as well as hidden secrets or talents. they are the moments filled with tears and laughter. they are the conversations where we drop our refined, put together, confidant personas and become human with our faults our fears, our failures as well as our quirks, and our inside jokies all coming to the for front. they are the moments where humans connect and build one another up, encourage one another in times of suffering. they are moments when people look back and laugh, or where secret ways of saying i love you originate. they are my favorite moments in this life, and i miss them. maybe its because i'm up so late so often by myself. . . ;)
next time you get a midnight moment, don't pass it up. whatever tomorrow holds, let it be in tomorrow and enjoy the midnight while its yours. to often, especially in american society, we rush and don't pause for those moments, we fail to savor them, we fail to appreciate them, HECK we fail to have them. but that's where its at. that's a little bit of what it means to LIVE and not just be ALIVE. live a little

more of god....

i just want to experience god. experience him on a deeper, more real, more honest, more tangible level every single day. i want to see him in a way that no one else has. i want to feel him, in a way that i remember so vividly being touched by him. i want to walk with him next to me, i want to come to a place in my faith where i hear him speaking to me, in a clear voice. i want my relationship with god to be one of intense, passionate intimacy unlike that which the world has ever seen. i want to be so consumed with him that he's a part of everyone of my waking moments. i want him to never be far from my thought, i want to be in a constant communication with the great, perfect, beautiful one that created me. I want him to fulfill me. i want to never again feel abandoned because he is always there, and i not only know that, but its so clear to me that feelings of abandonment can't find there way into my heart and soul. thats it. . . i want my soul to be intertwined with his. i want to sit with him. . . and talk with him. . . i want to bring him into every corner of my heart and let him cleanse me and make a home for himself. i love him, but i want more. i need more than just the love i have right now. i need to be so overwhelmed with love for him that i will stop at nothing to be apart of his existence. god is so good to me. . . he's so on top of my needs. he's go great, i just want more. more of his unconditional affection. . .
i want to go on a journey with jesus christ that is so profound not only am i forever changed and altered, but that change is so dramatic and profound that every person i encounter can't help but experience a piece of my transformation. I want to be so impacted by God that anyone who just looks at me instantly sees that my humaness has been replaced by something not of this world. something so foreign to them that they are forced to stop and wonder what it is. . .i want my eyes to mirrors Jesus'

'Dreaming wide awake'

Dreaming Wide Awake

v1
Dreaming, yet wide awake, falling but never landing
Gravity has no hold here, and reality is unaware of my existence
I’m alone in this moment so unsure and scared
I’m frightened for my life, please rescue me

v2
I’m overwhelmed, and challenged
I’ve fallen down and can’t find the strength to stand back up
I’ve failed to face this weakness, this proof of my humanness
And I’m ashamed to be seen by you as you hang there

v3
Sleep, please overtake me, give me rest from this burden
Give me the hope that tomorrow is a new day
Peace of God find me, peace consume me
This can’t be how this goes, Abba help

chorus
Hold me so close my heartbeat sings the harmony of yours
Tell me you will carry me through,
Let me know you won’t leave me,
Daddy, daddy, daddy, hold me tightly

bridge
Lovely scars of sacrifice
Love me, with all you have to give
Wonderful crimson blood bring life
Jesus, rescue this child

-a fellow daydreamer

gloria a dios

so this is my 3rd attempt at writing something tonight. the first two "takes" were a little personal even for me (:) i guess i'm not ready to be competely candid and opened (which isn't a bad thing at all) but i think that it caused me to think about the importance of having someone in your life who you can trust beyound a shadow of a doubt to be there and to love you through your faults and to love you through your shame, and to love you through you backslidding. i re-realized the importance of having someone who you can share anything with and at the end of your moment of disclosure you are still just as loved, just as protected, just as desirable, and just as wonderful to them. humans need that, humans need at least one other human with whom they can connect with on a level that is deeper than with anyone else. Someone who is many ways' knows them much better than they know even themselves. and i'm not leading into a romance, or a marriage, but of a relationship so deep, so profound that nothing short of death can sever that bond they share. and even in death a piece of the one on earth is taken up with the fallen angel and only returned to the remaining soul upon his own death. humans need a connection, on this earth that is so pure, so unmistakeable beautiful and as close to perfection as humans can achieve in this life. This bond is need so much that God created for Adam, Eve. whether this relationship is formed from two siblings, two best friends, or a man and a wife through a marriage, each human being needs to find this in his/her lifetime. for those that don't already have it, life is such a difficult foe to attack everyday, alone. it becomes nearly impossible to continue and to move forward in lifes storms when you have no one to carry you and to hold you up in your weakest moments. as i grow older i learn more and more about this and who that person is in my life, and how i can be that person to another human being. i learn the importance and necessity of have just one person who knows everything, one person with whom you can be completely raw, unedited, and real with. the one person who when you cry, they cry the same tears and when you laugh, their laugh is the perfect reflexion of your joy. its a beautiful thing, this type of friendship, one i hope each and everyone of you can enjoy, and one i thank god for developing in my even now. . .
-alabanza

midnight ponderings

So, it's nearly two in the morning, yet here i am, up typing, blogging, and writing. exhausted physically yet mental so stimulated sleep is not around the corner. The funny thing about this blog is that i never prepare these scripts. all my entries are unedited and raw, just me word vomiting on a computer screen, i feel the lack of structure and direction more so now than usual. tonight i'm up pondering many things, debating the course of action i am going to take on a number of issues. i'm up praising and fighting God about different things. i'm wide awake, dreaming about my tomorrow and what it holds for me. surprisingly for me, i'm not at all worried, more curious, and lost in and endless wonder. i think i've stopped worrying. maybe because God has provided to many times for me to still worry about trivial things. I dunno. sigh*. . . this human experience . . .it's so intricate and challenging. i wonder sometimes how many other of my fellow humans are up on a regular basis thinking about their lives and the people in them. Thinking about what there future holds, laying in shame, or joy because of decisions they've made. i wonder how many people use these moments in between the active day and dreamfilled sleep to sort through the mess in their minds and find a peace and clarity, find some direction. i know i'm not the only one, but i do wonder if i'm an overactive midnight ponderer. . . .i've lived an interesting, event filled life so far. i know i'm young but i've seen so much of the world, met so many different people, loved to the point of internal devestation. i hope i have a lot of life left in my time here on this earth. . . there are things i still want to do, people i want to love harder, places i want to see, memories that have to be made. . . is this perhaps what self discovery is. these late night ponderings where we catalog our lives events and try to make sense of all that we see, and hear and do? is this just a necessary part of growing up? how can one person be so consumed with so many thoughts. . . i don't even know where to start if i were to disclose all that's on my mind to one person right now. but i do know that once i did, i would go on for hrs sharing all the sturggles, turmoils, excitments, and emotions going through me at once. life is intersting to say the least. i wish i could pause for a moment and step outside of myself and observed what is going on around and within me. perhaps these midnight ponderings are as close to stepping outside of myself as i shall ever be privilegded to experience.
-the end

Well, it's this crazy thing called life.

as i grow older, i can't help but stop, take a breath, and look back over my short life and see how much life i've actually lived. it's amazing how some days it all seems so simple but then something happens and takes your breath away and you're are forced to stop, and start paying closer attention. for me i had one of those days today. it came in the simple voice of someone i love dearly. i made a dreaded phone call to someone who i love more than life but the last time we spoke it was on unfortunate terms. it's the kind of situation where you are both thinking about each other, and you both want things to be back to normal, yet you are both so much afraid of making that phone call that it sits unhandled until somebody, in this case me, bends and does the one thing they wish they didn't have to do. So i made the phone call and by the end of the 1st sentence i was already wishing that i hadn't made the phone call. yet i trudged on. by the end of the conversation one of us was crying and we just had to get off the phone. i would say things were better, yet still very much unresolved. nonetheless, progress was made, even if it was small. after that miserable phone call (the ones that are only five minutes long but feel like much, much longer) i stayied outside and layed down on some nice concrete and just thought. my mind was overwhelmed with emotions. i didn't know who to call, or even if talking to someone was what i needed. (turns out it wasn't) i feel sometimes that life is not what's it's supposed to be because we replace living with business. i think that's why i want out of this country. everything in my world has to be on a schedule. (namely my college graduation date)
it's like, i have one life, why do i want to spend it doing things that i don't have any desire to do. i kknow somethings are necessary for having things like food, a house, etc, but at the same time i feel like i can't ever do the things that i want to do, or be who i would like to be because of the american culture that talks of comfort, success, good lifestyle, tradition, preparing for your future. those are all good things, and i would never tell someone else not to pursue them, but if i have one life to live shouldn't i live it to the fullest. i know it sounds irresponsible, but really, think about it. i believe there is so much truth in that. and i know in order to do a lot of what i want to do i have to work hard, i'm not saying don't work hard. but what are you working hard at? i just feel sometimes like i'm not living the live i was desinged to live, and i'm doing things, not because they are right or wrong but because my society and culture tells me this is what's right and wrong when in reality its not a matter of right or wrong at all. in fact in history the people that had the biggest impact were the ones that did the opposite of society and didn't conform to the normal path of the world and did crazy, risky, remarkable things. and it's not that i want to be remarkable and make history. but i do want to have a remarkable life, where at the end of i can say, i may not have millions of dollars, but i saw everything i wanted. did everything i dreamed. and helped everyone i met.

conflicting passion

to often as i watch videos on youtube of professional performance, i'm astounded. On this planet is so many talented human beings. I am forever grateful for the portal that youtube provides me. Being unable to afford or be in the vicinity of that kind of talent, i'm grateful for the provisions youtube allots to me. That being said, i wonder where i fit into this conglomeration of talent. this web of musical genius. what is my role, how much will i chose to be apart of that world? growing up performing and receiving musical training a seed was planted. not so much a seed, as it as a surge of passion and energy, that is often dormant, but occasionally finds it's outlet and lets lose on my mind, heart, and soul. i can not describe my envy sometimes when i see others performing. i wish i could observe with nothing but grateful eyes, but more often then not i'm consumed with jealously and a desire to be apart of that world. I wonder what it is. is that my calling in life, i don't think so. not because i'm not passionate about it, but i feel that i have other passions that are more constantly overtaking me internally.
now i know a first reaction to statements like these is "you can have more than one passion" and i do. but, to what extent do i persue my talents. i suppose that's part of what everyone has to go through when we set out to "define ourselves" or "figure out who we are." maybe i should focus more on appreciating the fact that i have the option to decide what passion i chose to pursue with my entirety. But maybe my own personal conflict of passions is a bigger issue, the actual issue.
how does one decide which passion he or she is going to dedicate there life to pursuing. is it really possible to pursue two passions with equal vigor, giving both your 110% dedication? if so, how much does one miss out on because they don't believe that to be possible. If not, how much does one miss out on never becoming fully devoted to one thing.
are we supposed to choose one? are we expected to be dedicated to one thing solely? my first answer is of course not. But then why do we so often feel pressure to choose? why do we so often feel so much pressure to decided. why are people given a bad rep. if they are "spread to thin" who decides when you are spread to thin? is it a personal decision or is there really a limit, a recommended dosage of passion
what do you think?

what is family?

family: a social unit living together

i think, as i'm sure most people do, that it is so much more than this. But, what exactly is it? a shared genetic makeup? a shared last name? a father, mother, and their children? what is it exactly? i think its foolish to try and define family as it means so much for so many different people. i'm sure there are numerous amounts of people who live together who don't see themselves as family, even those who share blood, who have the same last name. family can't simply be those things. . . so what is it. as i said i think it's foolish to make an attempt at defining family. that being said, i do think it's an important thing to think about for yourself. . . .what does family mean to you. well, while you think about it, i'm going to tell you what it means to me.
I'm not a big fan of labels. I think that that is a product of my up bringing. i suppose it's weird because i have very structured, organized parents and structure and organization are two of my weakest character traits. for my family, A=A and B=B. for me A=whatever the heck you want it to be. I'm not defined by titles. I think as a culutre, americans like titles. they want to know if you're boyfriend and girlfriend, or just dating. to americans you don't sing, you're a singer. you're an athlete, you're not athletic, you are artistic, you don't just enjoy art. americans like to define everything and are comfortable only when they know what to call something. because of that, names/terms/titles hold a lot of power in our society. i think i make a sub conscious effort to rid myself of that. . . stigma.
for example, i have 11 siblings. . . no i don't i actually only have nine. . . no i actually have 11. see to me sibling isn't limited to what my government issued documents say. i use the term brother, and sister as a means to let people know how much they mean to me. my brother isn't my brother simply because we share blood or because we were raised in the same house with the same parents, my brother is my brother because to me water is runs deeper than blood. now of my 11 siblings only one is biologically, and genetically related to me. the rest, i love, treat, and consider my family. i think that its great when you call some one aunt (insert not genetically related name here) or uncle (repeat previous stated process). i think its crucial to recognize that outside of the confines of genes, that family can is something much greater than genetic codes and similar DNA. to me, family is another type of love. it has nothing to do with gentics or parents. i think, that english as a language is limited in its word choices. We have one word for the most powerful emotion of all, love. To me, family is what i do when i love someone to a greater extent than a best friend, or even a blood relative. family is a word i use to tell people how imporant they are to me, and how much i desire for them to be apart of my life, my world. It's a word for unconditional unwavering love. . . that's what family means to me, what does it mean to you?