midnight ponderings

So, it's nearly two in the morning, yet here i am, up typing, blogging, and writing. exhausted physically yet mental so stimulated sleep is not around the corner. The funny thing about this blog is that i never prepare these scripts. all my entries are unedited and raw, just me word vomiting on a computer screen, i feel the lack of structure and direction more so now than usual. tonight i'm up pondering many things, debating the course of action i am going to take on a number of issues. i'm up praising and fighting God about different things. i'm wide awake, dreaming about my tomorrow and what it holds for me. surprisingly for me, i'm not at all worried, more curious, and lost in and endless wonder. i think i've stopped worrying. maybe because God has provided to many times for me to still worry about trivial things. I dunno. sigh*. . . this human experience . . .it's so intricate and challenging. i wonder sometimes how many other of my fellow humans are up on a regular basis thinking about their lives and the people in them. Thinking about what there future holds, laying in shame, or joy because of decisions they've made. i wonder how many people use these moments in between the active day and dreamfilled sleep to sort through the mess in their minds and find a peace and clarity, find some direction. i know i'm not the only one, but i do wonder if i'm an overactive midnight ponderer. . . .i've lived an interesting, event filled life so far. i know i'm young but i've seen so much of the world, met so many different people, loved to the point of internal devestation. i hope i have a lot of life left in my time here on this earth. . . there are things i still want to do, people i want to love harder, places i want to see, memories that have to be made. . . is this perhaps what self discovery is. these late night ponderings where we catalog our lives events and try to make sense of all that we see, and hear and do? is this just a necessary part of growing up? how can one person be so consumed with so many thoughts. . . i don't even know where to start if i were to disclose all that's on my mind to one person right now. but i do know that once i did, i would go on for hrs sharing all the sturggles, turmoils, excitments, and emotions going through me at once. life is intersting to say the least. i wish i could pause for a moment and step outside of myself and observed what is going on around and within me. perhaps these midnight ponderings are as close to stepping outside of myself as i shall ever be privilegded to experience.
-the end