conflicting passion

to often as i watch videos on youtube of professional performance, i'm astounded. On this planet is so many talented human beings. I am forever grateful for the portal that youtube provides me. Being unable to afford or be in the vicinity of that kind of talent, i'm grateful for the provisions youtube allots to me. That being said, i wonder where i fit into this conglomeration of talent. this web of musical genius. what is my role, how much will i chose to be apart of that world? growing up performing and receiving musical training a seed was planted. not so much a seed, as it as a surge of passion and energy, that is often dormant, but occasionally finds it's outlet and lets lose on my mind, heart, and soul. i can not describe my envy sometimes when i see others performing. i wish i could observe with nothing but grateful eyes, but more often then not i'm consumed with jealously and a desire to be apart of that world. I wonder what it is. is that my calling in life, i don't think so. not because i'm not passionate about it, but i feel that i have other passions that are more constantly overtaking me internally.
now i know a first reaction to statements like these is "you can have more than one passion" and i do. but, to what extent do i persue my talents. i suppose that's part of what everyone has to go through when we set out to "define ourselves" or "figure out who we are." maybe i should focus more on appreciating the fact that i have the option to decide what passion i chose to pursue with my entirety. But maybe my own personal conflict of passions is a bigger issue, the actual issue.
how does one decide which passion he or she is going to dedicate there life to pursuing. is it really possible to pursue two passions with equal vigor, giving both your 110% dedication? if so, how much does one miss out on because they don't believe that to be possible. If not, how much does one miss out on never becoming fully devoted to one thing.
are we supposed to choose one? are we expected to be dedicated to one thing solely? my first answer is of course not. But then why do we so often feel pressure to choose? why do we so often feel so much pressure to decided. why are people given a bad rep. if they are "spread to thin" who decides when you are spread to thin? is it a personal decision or is there really a limit, a recommended dosage of passion
what do you think?

what is family?

family: a social unit living together

i think, as i'm sure most people do, that it is so much more than this. But, what exactly is it? a shared genetic makeup? a shared last name? a father, mother, and their children? what is it exactly? i think its foolish to try and define family as it means so much for so many different people. i'm sure there are numerous amounts of people who live together who don't see themselves as family, even those who share blood, who have the same last name. family can't simply be those things. . . so what is it. as i said i think it's foolish to make an attempt at defining family. that being said, i do think it's an important thing to think about for yourself. . . .what does family mean to you. well, while you think about it, i'm going to tell you what it means to me.
I'm not a big fan of labels. I think that that is a product of my up bringing. i suppose it's weird because i have very structured, organized parents and structure and organization are two of my weakest character traits. for my family, A=A and B=B. for me A=whatever the heck you want it to be. I'm not defined by titles. I think as a culutre, americans like titles. they want to know if you're boyfriend and girlfriend, or just dating. to americans you don't sing, you're a singer. you're an athlete, you're not athletic, you are artistic, you don't just enjoy art. americans like to define everything and are comfortable only when they know what to call something. because of that, names/terms/titles hold a lot of power in our society. i think i make a sub conscious effort to rid myself of that. . . stigma.
for example, i have 11 siblings. . . no i don't i actually only have nine. . . no i actually have 11. see to me sibling isn't limited to what my government issued documents say. i use the term brother, and sister as a means to let people know how much they mean to me. my brother isn't my brother simply because we share blood or because we were raised in the same house with the same parents, my brother is my brother because to me water is runs deeper than blood. now of my 11 siblings only one is biologically, and genetically related to me. the rest, i love, treat, and consider my family. i think that its great when you call some one aunt (insert not genetically related name here) or uncle (repeat previous stated process). i think its crucial to recognize that outside of the confines of genes, that family can is something much greater than genetic codes and similar DNA. to me, family is another type of love. it has nothing to do with gentics or parents. i think, that english as a language is limited in its word choices. We have one word for the most powerful emotion of all, love. To me, family is what i do when i love someone to a greater extent than a best friend, or even a blood relative. family is a word i use to tell people how imporant they are to me, and how much i desire for them to be apart of my life, my world. It's a word for unconditional unwavering love. . . that's what family means to me, what does it mean to you?

interesting. . .

so you want to be a writer

if it doesn’t come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it for money or
fame,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don’t do it.
if it’s hard work just thinking about doing it,
don’t do it.
if you’re trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you’re not ready.

don’t be like so many writers,
don’t be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don’t be dull and boring and
pretentious, don’t be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don’t add to that.
don’t do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don’t do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don’t do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.
-Bukowski